ALL MY HEART

Trust in the Lord with all your heart lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path. 

Prov. 3:5-6

     So easy to spout off by memory and so very hard to walk out moment by moment.  Through tears I sit down to write this afternoon.  We are in it again.  Bills going unpaid, not know were we are going to live if and when we can't make rent.  Paul, filling out several applications a day with no response.  I get fearful and then I do the one thing no one in my little world needs me not to do.  I try to take control.  I get angry, blaming, and manipulative.  Here's the thing we have already been here.  Really hard, no money and not knowing were we will live each month or if I can commit to even going to church because there is no money for gas.  We have been here and I have done it the wrong way.  I have chosen anger at God over crummy circumstances and I have reaped the harvest.  That harvest is bitter.  I don't want to do that this time.  In all the we have been through with lack of sufficient work to pay bills God has been WITH US.  Just like the angle told Mary the He was with her.  Just like He was with Joshua when he lead the Israelites into the promise land.  There is much impossible in front of us, BUT GOD IS WITH US!  If I learned anything the last time around (before Paul had a solid job for a year) it was that He is with us.  Emmanuel. I can either press into Him (cause He is right there with me) or get mad at Him (cause He is right there with me).  I choose press in. 

     Today I was struggling with anger and my almost 6 year old Troy says, "Hey, Mom, what's going on?" "I am angry and I need to change my attitude." "You could take a break and go in your room and ask the Lord to help you." "Good idea, I'm going to do that." I did go in my room. I balled my eyes out and told God how angry I am at Him that we are here again and got out my IDENTITY MUG and started reading the promises He has given me.  All I could do was cry and say, I don't know how but give me that.  Over and over I read the promise and just said "OK I'll take it!"  When I came back down stairs were my kiddo's were tear stained cheeks but joy in my heart I got a nod from my Troy. How sweet to have fellowship with my son in a time I am hurting so much.  I had to put myself in time out again by lunch time and may need to again as it is only nap time.
     I don't know how to trust the Lord with my WHOLE heart, but I am begging Him to teach me and I am confident that He will say yes.  I'm probably not going to get it all this side of heaven but I am looking forward to knowing Him a little more.  Cause that is what He does, when we say teach me, He shows us Himself.  Eyes on Him is so much better than fist shaking at Him.  How gracious of God to not allow me to get comfortable with anything less than ALL MY HEART.