Dear Blog:

     This blogging thing is so interesting to me. I don't take it lightly. In this day and age there is a little button at the top of my screen that says publish. To get published used to be an extremely hard task. Now we publish ourselves. I grew up struggling very much with the English language. I have always dumbed down what I am thinking for the page because I lack the skill to spell and put in proper grammar what I really want to say...you may have notice a typo or a million so far.
      I first started thinking about blogging when a couple people thanked me for the posts I would put on my Face Book. One even told me she copied and pasted anything I said about parenting and sent it to a friend. This is both humbling and a little scary. I desire that whatever comes out of my life, my heart, and my influence to be glorifying to God. I desire to be an example to the younger woman and teachable by the older. I do have the desire to write a book or something one day which makes me crack up because its probably also something I find most impossible with my history of struggling with the written word. Sometimes when you struggle with something you find a deep respect for it.  When i take notes at church or write a letter (with all its flaws that I'm sure are in it) I am so thankful to have a language and the ability to put down what I am thinking.
     I went to a school in Mexico once were the children were taught to sign because with out it they wouldn't have a language because they couldn't hear.
     A sweet friend asked me on Face book if I had ever thought of writing a blog and it just made me giggle because I had been praying about it for months. I also giggled because I thought who in the world would read it?
     I asked the Lord if it would be OK to make one and I got the go ahead with some guidelines:
STOP

• If it takes away from my responsibilities at home
• If people did end up reading it and I started to think of myself more highly than I should
• If it became an Idol....something that stole my focus and affection away from God

     So blogging world here I come. I put it together and realized how much fun it was just for me. I still felt really silly and almost embarrassed as I posted it on my face book. In the first 4 days it was viewed 400 times. That may be average but it blew me away. I went from feeling silly to "huh maybe I great?" I share to be real but it is quiet embarrassing that i went there in my thinking.  

     God was so gracious to lay in on the heart of a most beloved friend to caution me with blogging. Mostly along the lines of not being to intimate on the Internet and to be careful that even though I practice being transparent in my interaction with the world not to practice it for other people. Wonderful  practical ways to respect others with my blog like asking permission before I post conversations or picture of others. 

     I was so excited about my blog and this conversation let the wind out of my sails a bit. But not in a bad way. My friend wasn't calling me on anything specific just cautioning me in love. I am so thankful for the accountability and I want to respect others so much. Sharing our lives on the Internet is so different that how we used to do it. I never what my interaction with blogging or face booking to replace real relationship but enhance it.  

     My desire for this blog is to encourage. I am putting myself out there and being real at the risk of judgement but it is worth it to me if just one is encouraged to walk more closely with God. 

     The hits on my blog are no longer 100 a day and the cool part is I don't plan on letting any of my joy ride on weather or not anyone whats to read what I have to say. I have been told by a few that they are encouraged and one would be enough. 

PLAN ON IT

      Let me start with acknowledging that there are amazing woman out there that are apart from their favorite human on earth more that I am. My man works 60-70 hours a week between his current job and volunteering for the fire dept. I am in full support of this schedule as the job pays the most of the bills. Running shifts, training and working out are all hours spent with the fire dept. towards the goal of getting a ful-time fire job one day.
     There is always going to be some one that has it harder than you and you are always going to have it harder than someone else. Sadly, in the past I have gotten caught up in the who is suffering more thing and there really is no edification in it. Each person has trials taylored perfectly by God with the purpose of His glory and our good. God also gives taylored grace to stuggle well and to learn how to move from complaining to rejoiceing. To move from rebellion in our hearts twards God about the trials He has aloud and towards meekness, submitting not understanding the why's and worshiping Him anyways.
     So a big struggle in my heart the last few Sunday's has been not wanting a new week to start. I mean I would just be on the verge of tears and angry the last few hours of the day. I would feel sorry for myself and be down right depressed. I knew that my behavior wasn't honoring to God but sometimes I need Him to fix my "feel like it" because I don't even feel like doing the right thing sometimes. If a man is what he thinks (Proverbs 23:7) then I needed a change of thinking. So last Monday after a terrible attitude Sunday night I "PLANNED ON IT" in my thinking. Plan: All week be thankful for the time Paul is home not complaining about the time he is gone. This also helps in not putting unreal expectations on him and the family for the short time we do have to be just amazing and perfect! If Paul has to train and discipline during his time with the kids in the evenings and on his half a weekend then thats ok...He is their DAD!

     So Sunday rolls around and man...my heart begins to sink. I had to fight for a thankful thinking. All day I would picture myself sending Paul off to shift with a smile and no tears. It worked! i know there may still be days that are harder than others but planning on a right attitude was totally helpful!

     The 3 and i even ended up getting to go to the fire station and play on the truck! Blessed!

Guys wrestling 

Us girls at the table 

Paul just had his gear washed...putting it back together

love that smile!

inside the truck

My handsom yet so sleepy Love of my life

Abi not impressed with the siren 

New goal for the week

This was my hair all through target and none of the people I
was with told me...probably cause they were 4 and under.

Friday's & Saturday's

  Friday's are what our 3 and I call "Free Day." We work hard all week doing chores learning, new things and on Friday we don't get dressed right away, watch TV first thing, don't do many chores. This last Friday we hopped in the car and went to Mc Donald's! We love the playground. It was literally the last few moments of warmer weather. We got some oatmeal and coffee for Mama and played till it rained. 

Love's feeding herself. 

Yum

     Saturday's Paul works the first half so our 3 and I go grocery shopping and to the library first thing. It is so great no one grocery shops on a Saturday before 9 am! Much of our homeschooling right now is  learning about how to do everyday life tasks well and with good attitudes and diligence. We read tons of books and talk about and act out what we are learning. The library is such a great asset! 

     The Boys sit with me while i do finishing touches on the grocery list for the week. They think of things we need and often that is what goes on their list. They get 3x5 cards with their name and 6 items they need to keep theirs eyes out for. I try and make it 6 things from all over the store so they do zone out to quickly. Abigail of course plays or fusses the entire time. 

Abigail is quite the instigator! 

Kisses

Pretty sure my hips are larger than they appear in picture...
Great shot Bear!

   

Yum!

We went to go see Uncle Adam at work today. It's a plus that his work is Starbucks! 

Love his pic with my girl. 

Flowers from my fine friend Audrey Taylor! Made me smile all day.
Flowers always do that!

Perfect

     Just recently (like 6 months ago) God freed me from a lie. I was molested when i was 11 years old. Being molested and or raped at any stage in the game is a life before and life after event. The thing that was more confusing to me than the evil its self was why my Jesus who I loved and worshiped with all my 6th grade heart didn't protect me. I came to conclusion that would bind and damage my walk with God for years. I decided that He wasn't safe and that He must love everyone else more than me. Believing God's love for you...is a foundation stone that my faith needs in this life. For 20 years I would believe for a moment and then relapse into the "safety" of not being good enough and being the problem. Mix this with my tendency to be a peacemaker and people pleaser and you had a mess! I looked great to some who didn't really know my heart....It was often said of me, "Oh we don't have to worry about Jessie she is fine." (not by my parents but other adult figures) So it grew my need to have things perfect and in control (nothing makes you feel out of control like having an adult hurt you and Jesus "do nothing about it")
     6 months ago God deiced it was time to straiten out my thinking. We have struggled so much financially in the last 2 years I began to be extremely angry with God. Its is interesting to me that He would use "lack" to show me His abundance of love for me. (for some reason Jesus dieing on the cross wasn't enough for it to sink in for me) I got so sick of being angry
I finally got vulnerable enough with Him to do some real intense business. He revealed to me that I don't believe His love for me. It was one of the scariest things i have ever done but I told Him i would stop trying to figure it all out the why's and how come and just BELIEVE Him simply.
     Everything changed. It didn't take long at all. I stopped needing other peoples approval, I stopped putting unrealistic expectations on my husband, i was able to just do my best at life and not feel guilty all the time for not meeting a standard that i couldn't even see!!! Basically I stopped using the love of man as a substitute for the very enough love of my Savior. 
     I get the gospel like I never have before. I'm not working so hard at being perfect that I get easily offended when others aren't. I still struggle with life daily but having my thinking screwed on straight about the greatest life issue there is....much more peaceful.
    The thing that got me thinking about all this was i was going to write about what a wonderful night we had with some great new friends. The "Trailers" -Troy. The Taylor Family came over for dinner and in preparation i didn't do what i used to. I used to run myself ragged getting ready and wanting my everything to be perfect. AND IT STILL GOT DONE! My house was clean enough and the food was really good. Our fellowship was sweet. Because i wasn't in ugly perfect mode i had more of myself to give to Bear wetting the bed at nap, Abigail falling down all the stairs (Back to using gates ) and Duke getting into the freshly backed Pumpkin pie.
     Life believing the truth that God loves me and will use the terrible for my good and His glory is powerful. I will take it!

Stand fast therefore in the liberty by which Christ has made us free, and do not be entangled again with the yoke of bondage. Gal. 5:1

And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God and who are called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28

YEP :(

Biggest Piece of cow i have ever broiled!

"Take a picture of me too Mom!"

QUITTER!

     In my younger growing up years i did CYT Christian Youth Theater. I was a huge time commitment several days a week if you got in the show. Each time I wanted to do a show my Mom would sit down with me and we would look a the calender and make sure I could be at every single rehearsal and the 10 performances. This ingrained in me something wonderful, don't commit unless you intend to fallow though 100%.
     Today I quit Homeschooling Co-Op! Yep. It was so against my grain.
I prayed since we started a month and a half ago about if it was going to work for our family. Between co-op Tuesday, working nursery Wednesday, and grocery shopping Saturdays that took us out of the house for 1/2 days 3 days a week! I know there are some Mom's who are great at  go go going but the more I have the desire to be intentional with teaching in every aspect of life i just didn't want to give up that many days. So i quit. Sometimes I think its ok to choose better management of your home and family over something wonderful. Troy was the only one in classes...Bear and Abi were in the nursery board out of their minds for 3 hours.

                                          Hope he didn't do that with every piece!

      So after i made the decision i felt such freedom! I put make up on invited my Mother in Love and great friend Katie to the zoo and just played and enjoyed the animals. I am excited to not get caught up in business. I feel blessed that God got my attention and we slowed it back down. I'm not a peaceful patient Mom when I am over committed.

                       Abigail was fearless with the birds...she'd pet they'd bit, she'd scream and pet again.

                                                                   Super Granny!

Couldn't get it but Troy was holding my hand...doesn't happen a ton these days ...ah melt! 

Picture By Troy

Does this look loud? It was! 

 

The Hard.

                                          Fire Girl!

                                          Ahhh Fall

                                         Oh soil you hold great wonders!

                                                    Snack time

                         Caught Troy running "Learning Time"

 you will have to read to understand this one!

                                           

     The whole story can have a lot of hard....I could just put up a few great pictures and act like it was an amazing day but secrets out it was only amazing until 11am! My goal after some rad time in the Word was to Breath Deep, Say Jesus You manage my day and speak to my 3 crazies and not at them. I did this faithfully with the many moments i needed to. My 3 and i had a great morning learning about soil, digging in it and doing chores. By 11 my energy gave out and i couldn't believe there were still hours before nap time. I had planned on mowing the law during nap and I am so glad I did because I finally found my phone that had been missing all morning. I nearly ran it over with the law mower! My Bear woke hard from nap crying for at least 45 min. I tried distracting him from his misery with pumpkin painting. It worked. Paul got home and every ones spirits rose instantly! He was home for about 2 hours. The only 2 hours we have gotten to see him in the last 24. Dinner wasn't very good...tried something new that i wont be making again. 30 min. after everyone else was done with dinner and Bear still wont touch it.
     Paul: Bear just eat one of those pepper in there you love      peppers
   Bear: Dad its dirty! 
He can't stand for his food to touch.
     I got a great hug in with Paul before he was off to training.
     My Mom called which was great to hear her voice but I asked if she could come visit soon and there just isn't a way. I cried, then told her everything i could think of about her grand babies that she was missing.
    This is getting long but the night isn't over.
     While working on the kid sleepy time tea Troy spilled the hot water all over the front of him yes the front were his most sensitive member lives then later in the evening zipped it in his pj's.
   I finally got them in bed after much comforting because "I miss Daddy!" I turn my hot water on for my sleepy time tea. I didn't realize that there was something on the stove so the smoke alarms went off...i ran up stairs as soon as i could to snuggles screaming babies and when i got back down found that the alarm scared the poop out of our puppy.
    I never want my blog to be a place to complain or vent i want it to be real. So the real is that from 11 am on the day was really hard but though i am called to redeem the time my Jesus is the Great Redeemer. I take comfort in the fact that i can go to bed in grace and try again tomorrow. The key is to keep saying Jesus you manage my day. As soon as i stopped doing that it went down hill. I also think taking a break at some point needs to happen more. 
There is the day. A hard one. We press on!!!