Is WEAK ok?

                  2 Cor. 12 
7 And lest I should be exalted above measure by the abundance of the revelations, a thorn in the flesh was given to me, a messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I be exalted above measure. 8 Concerning this thing I pleaded with the Lord three times that it might depart from me. 9 And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

  It might be my fallen nature, or the "what do you have to show for yourself" culture, or simple pride.  I have always felt this tension to be better, do better and feel/ look like I have my act together.  Well whatever the root of it is and I suspect its a little of all of the above, to live with pride and self-righteousness as the force for motion in you life is exhausting!  Do you get a lot done?  Sure, but at what cost?  For me the cost has been that tasks became more important than the people and a sneaky air of judginess.  If you are constantly evaluating yourself against an unbiblical standard then you naturally evaluate others without even trying. 
   I was recently challenged with the question is it OK to be weak?   I heard the story of a woman facing trials that I couldn't imagine and the place of growth she had come to was being content with her weakness.  That went against every grain in my being.  How is weak better and growth.  Well, the Lord used the my painting once again to show me. 
    About a year ago I got to start something new.  Really, the Lord started it and I have hung on for dear life.  I paint scripture on canvas.  I am naturally creative so that is a good fit but I am not naturally a good speller.  So God has called me to do something I am terrible at on purpose.  I often ask Him, "why me?"  "Why in the world are You having me do this when I know a handful of people who are just as creative and can spell properly with out giving it a second thought."  The answer.  I want you to need Me.  
     My whole life growing up as the good little girl I never really grasped my NEED for Jesus in the everyday of it all.  There are two things in my life that I spend the most hours doing.  Parenting and Painting.  These are also the areas that I feel the most incredibly inadequate in.  I used to just feel stupid about this until God showed me not only is it OK to be weak but He prefers it.  When we are weak then we are more aware of His strength.  We are tuned into paying attention to His mighty work in our lives because we are desperate for it.  I have always been weak.  Its not like this is new but now I am enjoying it more. 
    I don't enjoy it everyday every moment as it can be quite frustrating to the plans I have. You know the those plans I make with out checking in with the Lord first.   It is still aggravating when I have to try several times to not miss spell on a single canvas or I'm so overwhelmed with the management end of running a home, and educating our kids I just stop and cry.  My kids recently called me the "Village Cryer" like an town announcer but they meant Mom you cry a lot.  lol.  More and more I am resting in my weakness.  God's grace is sufficient for our needs great and small but we forfeit it when we intentionally push Him away by functioning in our own strength.  Something I am learning to say right away when my heart gets crunchy is "I'm wrong." As soon as those words come out of my mouth I am flooded with grace and mercy to see how and why I'm wrong and am empowered to do something about it.  Life is far from perfect but that isn't the goal anymore. 

This is one of my more overwhelmed with life faces...I like to get them all. 

Parents vs. Kids! Sweet Memories 

painting lately. 

INSIDE OUT

     My kids do their laundry every day.  Everyday they need help.  Well the younger two do and really their only almost 5 and 3.  One of them gets frustrated every day when the clothes are inside out.  He melts down says he can't do it and even goes as far as saying I am a bad folder.  Yes you guest it I am talking about my Bear child.  God uses Bear in my life often to paint me pictures of myself.  He is at times a dramatic example of the whirlwind going on in my heart.
     The Lord recently showed me that I get the gospel inside out.  To be clear the gospel is that God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit had a plan.  Before creation they knew that Jesus would need to come, die and raise from the dead to win the right to forgive us of our sin.  He purchased the keys to sin and death and will use them to set us free if we believe it.  This is something I KNOW.  I grew up in the church, I went to bible school and have been a student of the scriptures my whole adult life.  Yet I have still got the most wonderful freeing truth there is on earth or in heaven inside out.

God's word says in 2 Cor. 9:8

And God is able to make ALL grace abound toward you, that you, ALways having ALL sufficiently in ALL things, may have and abundance for every good work. 
   
     When I get to a scripture like this that is packed with more that I am able to unravel in my simple mind I have to go to the original language.

ALL: Every whole
GRACE: the divine influence on a heart and its reflection in the life
SUFFICIENT: Contentedness, competence

     I  wrote on this same scripture last week and the word focus for me was SUFFICIENT.  But this week its GRACE.   Here is how I get the gospel inside out.  God is saying that He gives us everything we need in abundance and the natural flow of that would be to obey Him in the good works He has lined up for us.  What I have done is looked at that grace and said, "Wow that sure would be nice. I will do all these good works to get some of that."  That is like you giving your kid a Christmas present and they save up all the next year to pay you back for it!  YUCK!
     When I have things inside out or backwards then my motivating force isn't grace but fear of failure.  Believe me you can get a lot done and almost look like you have your poop in a group with fear of failure driving you on.  The down side is that it is exhausting and lacking in real fellowship and intimacy with God.  Christ died to set us free from sin.  There can be no fear of failure were grace has taken up residency.
     So I have spent the last 2 weeks freaking out about the fact that I am back at square one.  Which would not be a good example of walking in the rest of grace.  Sometimes I really like to share when I'm not on the other side yet.  I have done some pretty serious business with the Lord on this issue and am looking forward to all that He is going to teach me about it.  I am even more excited about what receiving and walking in grace will do for my kids.  I am praying that the lack of grace I have been unable to pass on to my kids will be redeemed and that God would use me as a main source of grace in my kids lives.
     I mentioned that I struggled with the grace concept for 2 weeks and then I realized some were in the last 2 weeks I stopped drinking coffee.  OK, Jess what does that have to do with anything.  Well, I'll tell you.  I have desired to stop drinking coffee for some time.  I have stopped and started over and over.  I'm not a coffee hater by I have some skin issue that coffee is the one thing I shouldn't be drinking.  I felt powerless to stop and strived to do it.  I have asked God to help me but never rested in His grace to do it.  In the midst of all this grace turmoil God gave me something tangible to show me that He will do it.  He will make all grace to abound toward me that I will always have all sufficiency in all things that I may have an abundance for every good work.  God will do this for me because He loves me. Just like I started flipping Bear's clothes right side out before I gave them to him. Because I love him.

Our Bear 

     Are you resting in grace. Do you know there isn't a thing you can do to pay God back and all He wants is your heart? I would encourage you do business right now if there is any to do. Love you reader. Thanks for taking the time to go on this journey with me.
                                                                                                   ~Jess

Word of the day: Competent

     Our kids are really into Lego's right now.  So much so that Paul and decide to do a Lego Christmas.  Everything Lego's. I was so excited about the idea until I was on a blanket with Abi "building" with her.  Paul is usually the one to sit on the floor with the kids and build.  He is great at it and each of our kids love it. I love Lego's in our lives too!  I love that it occupies the kids for hours and its not TV.  I love that they are colorful and require all kinds of skills the kids will use later in life.  I don't however personally love Lego's.  I like it when they get a new set and all the pieces are in little bags and you have the nice instruction manual.  The like the moment my younger two get a little board with so much structure and they move on to something and I get to keep building with the neat and tidy instruction manual all by my self.  I can be creative with paint but you give me building blocks and I am lost. The other day it took me 20 minutes to build a very average house for Abi.

I kept building a house that was structurally unsound and it would crumble in my hands.  Each time it crumbled as silly as it seams I would hear in my mind "your not enough for them." "Not only are you terrible at the thing they enjoy most, you have to MAKE yourself sit down and play with them, you don't enjoy it." I love spending time with my kids. There are some activities that we don't enjoy and do them anyways...we don't want them to grow up and remember Mom and Dad were fun as long as it was what they wanted to do. 

     Competent would not be a word I would ever in my life use to describe myself.  I have always struggled in the area of learning in general, have major processing challenges that affect everything I do, and there are not many things that feel come naturally to me. Aside from balloon animals of course.  
     This post is just about depressing enough. Here is the good part.  All this that I have shared while yes its venerable and how I have truly viewed myself...ITS NOT THE TRUTH. I am not incompetent and neither are you. 
      Lately Bear has been on this kick of telling how he "FEELS" in the midst of a disciple or consequence. It usually goes like this, "I feel like you don't love and you don't want me to have any fun ever for the rest of my life." At first this concerned me and I thought I had majorly screwed up as a parent.  Then I realized he does feel that way and his feelings are down right wrong.  I do love him with all my heart and I genuinely want him to have fun everyday of his life.  I love him and I love fun!  I have been gently telling him, I understand that you feel that way but it isn't the truth, I love you.  Bear your are letting your feeling be the boss of you and they aren't your boss Jesus is. 
     Sooooooooooo, the same goes for me.  So what if you feel terrible at Lego's and you don't enjoy playing with them.  You are enough for you kids because when it comes to GOOD WORKS,  these kids are the greatest work you are ever going to get to do this side of heaven! 
  What God wants to give me and you if we will receive it: 
 And God is able to make all GRACE abound toward you, that you, always having all sufficiency in all things, may have an abundance for every good work. 2 Cor. 9:8 
    I looked up that word sufficiency in the Greek, it totally means competent!  So regardless of how we feel about ourselves in the good work that God has given us to do the truth of the matter is that we are not just surviving our calling but have grace abounding toward us and are completely competent for the task at hand. SWEET! 
  The rest of the story on the blanket outside forcing myself to build a terribly unsound Lego house with my girl is this...She doesn't care most about the product of our time but the time it self.  That girl doesn't care much what we do together its the together that she longs for.  And just to put me in my place regardless of my feelings God has her casually say, "Oh Mom, I lob (love) that house you made me." 
    Thank you Jesus that Your grace makes us competent for the good work you have fashioned for us. I lob You! 

Your the perfect Mom

     Over the years I have watched my Mom with my adult handicapped bother.  I have noticed that she really is the perfect Mom for him.  I have never know a woman to pay more attention to detail and have never know a guy to delight and appreciate that gift in some one as much as Lukie.  For example she has a quilt for his bed for every season.  There is nothing my bother loves more that to celebrate something and she does it with him in the tiny things and big things.  So its easy for me to see that God knew what He was doing when He pared the two of them up.

My Mom and Lucas. Sorry about the orientation I just couldn't
figure it out but aren't they sweet! She is amazing! 

     If this is true about Parents and kids which of course we believe it is.  God picks the kids we get and He is sovereign and He is good and He knows what He is doing.  Why did I want to break down cry and roll the eyes of my heart when my Mother in Love said these very words to me just yesterday?
     We have some serious fighting going on in our home right now.  Mainly between the two fire crackers #2 and #3.  I couldn't accepted the truth at first from my Mother in love because if I am so perfect for them then I would think I might have a clue about what to do with them.  In that moment standing on her porch I didn't.
      I am so thankful that James 1 tells us that we can ask for wisdom and God will give it.  I am also so thankful for a husband that loves these kids as much as I do and knows them yet has a more pulled back perspective on the situation that I do because he isn't in the thick of it every moment like I am.   Between asking the Lord and my husband for help this is were we are at.  LOCK DOWN.  Or as Abi way more cutely says "wock down." Lock down is when the kids loose all privileges.  What is considered a privilege? Most everything.  They get to eat and drink and read their bible and  do regular chores but beyond that nothing.  No toys, no electronics, no play dates, no fishing and no hiking.

I refer to them as firecrackers,
 never to them but to you my reader.
I think firecrackers are beautiful. 

     Yesterday when I reported to my man that we did not have a good morning.  That both younger children have screamed, hit, bitten and threatened to do all of those things to each other repeatedly he said "OK, Its time for lock down." I don't often make this call and I'm going to be honest its because I am selfish.  I like to hike and  let them watch TV on Saturdays (because its the only day of the week we even let them watch TV so they love it and I love it). It take sacrifice sometimes to fallow through with giving them a consequence that gets their attention beyond a pop pop or a time out.
     I realized something new and extremely important this round of lock down.  I RESCUE!!!  It is really easy to see this when someone else is doing it but some how I missed it in myself.  I was sharing with Paul that I was dreading the next day because it is supposed to be a day of rest and now I have to try and come up with chores for them to do all day!  He quickly responded, "no you don't this house doesn't revolve around the kids if it is your day of rest then you need to rest."  I responded, "I don't think they know that."  Paul said, "I can guarantee they don't know that."  I sat for a moment and this is when God said yes to the request for wisdom.  It came out of my mouth before I could over think it and I said. "I DON'T THINK I KNOW THAT THIS HOUSE DOESN'T REVOLVE AROUND THE KIDS." Paul more gently responded,  "I don't think so either Babe."  Well dang it and Thank you JESUS!  This would be a great time to cut this out of my interaction with my children!  I am so thankful God showed me so plainly and so gently.  When my kids need a good consequence that makes them uncomfortable such as lock down I get in there and try to ease the blow.  Believe me when you loose everything chores are a delight and I would run my self ragged trying to delight my children in their consequence when they should be feeling he sting of their bad choices.  So no more rescuing.  Their choices are going to get bigger and life consequences bigger.  If they can rely on Mama to make it easier then I am only going to get in the way of what God is doing to get their attention and show them that they must be desperate for Him, and abide in Him to bear fruit in this life.
     Thank you Jesus that you paired me up with my kids, that I am the right woman for the job because you are good and wise enough to help me, thank you that I am also off the hook.  I don't have to rescue them.  That is why you came to this earth. To die for their sin so they wouldn't have to. Thank you that there is consequence for sin and the sting reminds us that we can not do this life fruitfully apart form you.  Draw their little hearts in by your love and YOUR RESCUE. 

How Do I NOT Suffer?

     If you have been following along with our little life you know that we have faced trials that for us have been extremely hard.  Paul was blessed with what we have been longing for and begging the Lord for.  He got a full time fire job!  He gets to do what he loves and feels called to and get paid for it!  When he goes to work now there is a lightness of heart for both of us because he is doing what he loves.  The contrast of this to getting up at 4 am. 6-7 days a week to do a job he hated is stark indeed.

       We are beyond blessed.  Everything is better.  From big things like we can know each month that there is enough money to pay the bills to having Paul being home 2 out of every 3 days.  There are little things like I have gotten to start running again because he his home some mornings!  I was telling Paul the other day that I love it when he is home and I love it when he is gone!  This is a style of life that we wanted and we got it!

     So you would think that when my friends and family ask me how is it going my responds would be its AMAZING!  It is but I have to confess I have also STRUGGLED!  A week into our new life I was crying my eyes out telling the Lord, "How in the world can such a massive blessing require so much surrender and trust to live out!"  I think the answer is that He isn't done with me.  Just because we have this season of ease and wonderful doesn't mean that God has stopped conforming me to His image.

     Paul has been a fire fighter for about 6 weeks now.  The thing that has been most challenging for me is that with out realizing it I had place some of my identity in being the girl who could "suffer well."  Through job loss after job loss and even homelessness I fought hard to stay in God's word and use our suffering as a plat form to proclaim that God is good even in the midst of suffering.  I did truly learn to be content with being abased.  But in the scripture when Paul talks about contentment he says he learned to be abased and to abound.  My greatest discomfort with our new state of "abounding" is that my interaction with my precious Lord seemed to change.  Prone to wander Lord I feel it prone to leave the God I love!  Seriously!  The moment I don't have suffering launching me into my Lord's arms I get discontent and don't want to talk to Him or read His word!  Sheesh.
   
     As ridiculous as this sounds after conversations with others I know I am not alone in this struggle. So what do we do with it.  We press on.  Weather we feel like it or not.  My emotions are ever changing and constantly bullying me into depression.  So depressed or not I have continued to get up and read the word and try to pray.  I have not done it every morning and have been so sad over my lack of desire to do it.  So I asked God to fix my want to.  When I read in Ps. 42 about the deer panting for the water like my soul pants for God...ahhhhh not me!  So fix me God, make me thirsty!
    There is no formula just a life time reality and need to press on.  This was the first morning I felt like I have hear from the Lord on my own in my sweet spot in the quiet of the morning!  6 WEEKS! That was a long time for me!  I probably could have been shorter but I will rejoice in the grace and keep pressing on!

     So how about you? What do you do in the "Dry" times?  Do you throw your hands up and set your bible aside?  I did many days.  Or do you ask God to make you thirsty? He will! We are in this together.  Dry season are going to happen but He is not far from you. You may need to tell your soul what to do instead of let your emotions push you around!

Ps.42

A Science "Experience"

    The Lord has been helping me teach my kiddo's His truth in new ways.  For a while we would read a bible story and then act it out! They loved that.  The other day I did a "science experiment" Bear miss understood me and now calls an experiment and "EXPERIENCE."  I kind of love that.  Teaching through experience, as an adult I still benefit so very much from a good visual or word pictures.  This is a gift God has given many of our pastor's they give us examples to help the truth of God's word stick in our brains long enough for us to get out and live it! 
     So I wanted to share about our experience!  For weeks now I have been teaching and learning with the kids the sign language for the scripture 1 Cor. 13:4-8 

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8 Love never fails.

     So, I got a jar and a rubber band and had Troy snag 4 army guys.  We strapped the army guys to the jar. I asked the kids where does the love that we have been learning about come from. "God!" Bear shouts, good one Bear.  I explained not only does love come from God, but we get to love because God lives in us by the Holy Spirit. (Troy and Bear have invited the Holy Spirit to live in them and Christ to be their Lord) We need God to pour His Holy Spirit in us continually because we leak! 

     Next I took food coloring and had them shout out one aspect of love form memory.  "Its kind, It doesn't boast, always protects!" Every time they said one I would drop color into my big jar of water.  This was just a visual of how beautiful those aspects of God's love is.  So all those things are in the Holy Spirit and when we start to get crunchy attitudes with each other we can ask the Holy Spirit to refill us with love. AND HE WILL! (Side note: I usually teach my kids whatever I am learning so that its fresh baked spiritual bread!) I began to pour the colored "Spirit" water in to the jar in the middle of the army men.  I told the kids the jar was  me and the men were Paul, Bear, Troy and Abi. As the water filled the small jar they were excited but giggles broke out when it over flowed and I shouted look at all that love getting all over you guys! 

     Each of them had a turn to color their water and would say Holy Spirit please fill me so I can love my family.  Then they would pour.  It was exciting every time.  We of course had to contrasting it the nastiest thing we could think of.  Duke's poop (our puppy). How much more pleasant and refreshing it is to be refilled with the living water of the Spirit to splash love on one another that our stinky flesh! 

    I don't want to post about this as a "Ta Da!" Look how clever I am but as an encouragement to Mom's or others with little ones. Use whatever gift you have to teach them the truth of God's word in a way that there little minds can "experience" it! 

*We also talked about how the Holy Spirit refilling us might look different for each person. That God has given us gifts to love one another in different ways just like the different colors we used to color the water. 

His time is always BETTER!

        Our family started a whole new life yesterday!  Paul went off to work as a FULL TIME FIRE FIGHTER!  If you have followed along with our testimony at all you know this is huge for us!  It has been so strange that I haven't even known how to write about it.  Even as I type now I can't put into words what I want to!

Had to take Paul his sunglasses so we got to
see him on his first day at the Station! 

Union Fire Department

     As my heart settles into our new reality I keep thinking one thing, "God's timing is Better."  Paul said the other day that he is so thankful that God didn't give him any of the other fire jobs he applied for because it would have been easier to say, "I got it because of all my hard work." There is no confusion in our hearts that this happening was the Lord at work in our lives.

     Back in February when we were with out a home to live in Paul felt he needed to turn in his gear. He think it was appropriate for a him to run if he was homeless.  This was one of the hardest things we have gone through.  He gave up his dream and what he truly felt called to do because the immediate need was provide for the family and that would require working ALL the time.  That is what he did.  He found us a beautiful new home and work his butt off at a factory job with out know if he would ever get to pick up that gear again and do what he loves.  We were in our new home with his new job.  Sad about the loss of fire fighting but so very thankful for the provision of needs.  As God provided and things got steadier with our living situation Paul prayed about continuing to volunteer.  He felt he had the go ahead from the Lord.  He had hardly begun to get back in the swing of running and a friend told him that a station just up the road from our new house (Union) was hiring.  He applied, took the test, got an interview and got the job all with in 2 weeks.  It was just God's time.  The time He knew He would say yes almost 3 years ago when we first began this endeavor.
      We had so many disappointments along the way.  God walk through all of them with us.  He was the one that held our marriage together under such stress, He was the one who gave Paul the physical strength to press on, He was the one that gave me the emotional strength to keep going.  We did not do this last season in our live perfectly by any means.  There was plenty of asking God why and frustration and even anger with our Lord.  He was gracious and continued to draw us in just like a parent does with a child who doesn't understand a boundary or a training lesson.  In this last season I learned what it looks like (to some degree I know I will learn more) to Trust in the Lord with all my heart to forsake my own understanding.  I learned to obey and even enjoy obeying God's word when he says to honor and respect your husband.  God never told me this is what I want Paul to do.  He told Paul that early on but He told me, "Support him weather you know he is doing the right thing or not." EEK!
     So here we go.  We launch into a season of different.  Hopefully this is a start of a career that Paul will have for 25 years!  I would ask for prayer for our family.  Though this is all wonderful there are some major changes taking place and that will all ways require more grace.  Paul is going from working 6-7 days a week to 3!  He is now full time working a job were he runs in as everyone else runs out.  Our budget isn't changing much which is fine as it was never about the money.  But Paul will be able to work side jobs as he has such an open schedule.  Thank you to those of you who encouraged and prayed through this last season!  We are so shocked and blessed to be in this new one.
     We know that suffering and trials don't end here but I tell you what we also KNOW that God will walk with us through what ever He allows next for our refinement.

 

Fetch a Pail of Water

     I just wrote (Blog post "EMPTY") about this passage a few weeks ago as I was studying it on my own and then our Pastor taught on it today! RAD! 

John 2

On the third day there was a wedding in Cana of Galilee, and the mother of Jesus was there.2 Now both Jesus and His disciples were invited to the wedding. 3 And when they ran out of wine, the mother of Jesus said to Him, “They have no wine.”

4 Jesus said to her, “Woman, what does your concern have to do with Me? My hour has not yet come.”

5 His mother said to the servants, “Whatever He says to you, do it.”

6 Now there were set there six waterpots of stone, according to the manner of purification of the Jews, containing twenty or thirty gallons apiece. 7 Jesus said to them, “Fill the waterpots with water.” And they filled them up to the brim. 8 And He said to them, “Draw some out now, and take it to the master of the feast.” And they took it. 9 When the master of the feast had tasted the water that was made wine, and did not know where it came from (but the servants who had drawn the water knew), the master of the feast called the bridegroom. 10 And he said to him, “Every man at the beginning sets out the good wine, and when the guests have well drunk, then the inferior. You have kept the good wine until now!”

11 This beginning of signs Jesus did in Cana of Galilee, and manifested His glory; and His disciples believed in Him.

      Jesus respectfully called His earthly mother, "Woman" signifying the shift in focus and ministry.  From her son to her Savior.  Mary's last recorded words in the Bible are beautiful and challenging all at the same time.  "Whatever He says to you, do it."  Often to put action to those words is to be uncomfortable. There was serious work to be done in filling those 6 pots.  Something like 180 gallons of water and at 8 lbs. a gallon they had their work cut out for them.  God didn't have to let them in on the work but if He didn't they wouldn't have been let in on the secret miracle that day either.  By God's grace He enjoys letting us in on His work.  To obey, may require us to do some mondain activities whether we feel like it or not.  Weather we can see the fruit of it swiftly or not!  AH, such a great message!  So the challenge was what is your water pot?  What do you need to do that looks ordinary and uncomfortable to be obedient? 

     I'll tell you what mine is.  Its stopping my agenda all day long and loving my kids.  Even thought I have 2 dishes left and I can be done with them. My pal of water is to stop and lead my child out of an emotional tantrum instead of yelling from across the room "get over it or get a consequence."  Its not being in a self-seeking mode but truly loving my family with out expectation of return.  

     There was a time of prayer after the service and there were wonderful prayers for the families of the fallen and marriage and so on and all I could think was, "I am so SHALLOW, I don't want to carry my pails of water!" 

     So, want to or not I have asked the Lord to help me and well up in me a joy in the "doing it."  I fully expect Him to say yes and empower me for the everyday tasked of being wife and mom. 

     What about you? Is there an ordinary, uncomfortable pal of water that you need to carry?  Is there something you know God is calling to?  I would echo the words of Mary and encourage you and myself today,

SNAP SHOT

 
     I have always loved taking pictures.  I love the digital camera's now and that you can take as many as you want and just delete whatever doesn't capture what you want.  I think most of us keep or post pictures that we like.  You don't often see a wall covered in terrible family pictures or the worst of the bunch.  We pick the best to put on display.  Normal, I do it you do it.  This has been said before but sometimes there is danger with blogs, face book and Instagram media because we see a snap shot in some one's life and assume we have the whole picture.  I bring this up because I am only ever able to share snap shot with you on my blog. There is a whole picture that includes wonderful things and terrible moments that go on in our home. I do strive to be REAL with this blog.  Paul and I are not perfect parents we constantly take comfort in the fact that God is gracious and faithful to redeem the things we are doing to screw our kids up.  Perfection can't be the goal as it is not attainable. Surrendering to and loving the Lord with all your hearts and teaching your kids how to do the same is the goal.  I just wanted to say that before I share a SNAP SHOT of something cool God is doing in our home right now.

Not our best family shot. You may notice there are no children in
 the shot they are there and one is screaming about having to stop
playing to take a picture. The whole family time in the snow
ended right after this as attitudes tanked. 

    I recently attended a woman's conference and the last speaker of the day hit me square between the eyes!  The truth and the way she shared it met me right were I was at.  I walked away strengthened for the life God has called me to.  I got to talk to her for a second.  I had planned on giving her a canvas but ended up with every book she has ever written as she just gave them to me!  One of them is called Beyond Bath Time.  If you are raising kids or want to one day I would encourage you to get and read this baby!  One of the question's she asked was what are you good at? How are you using that with raising your kids and be the mom God has made you to be, or something like that.

     Back to the conference there was a time when they played a song and a gal did the most beautiful sign language to it.  I felt a great stirring in my heart as she was signing...like part of me that was asleep for a long time woke up in inexpressible JOY!  I had forgotten how much I love sign language and that it is one of the few things that comes very naturally for me (also on the list balloon animals).
     My first thought with this awakened part of my heart was, "oh yeah I love that.  Maybe when my kids grow up I can take classes and interpret."  I began to pray about what to do with the incredible desire to sign again.  I say again because I have a brother with downs and was exposed to sign most of my life and learned it for my second language in high school.
     As I prayed and then read that question Erin posed in her book the Lord whispered, "teach your kids."  Maybe even one day they can have a play date with children who can't hear.

     So we got started!  We had already started memorizing 1 Cor. 13:4-8 because that is what Mommy needed to be working on!  We usually memorize scripture and make up hand motions, so this concept wasn't much different.  I got on line and found an great website with short video's of each sign.  Its called signing savvy.  They even have an app for my phone which I hope to purchase one day.  At breakfast each morning we eat and look up the signs for the next chunk of our scripture.  It is so rad how sign is often acting out what you would say with words.  So as I teach the signs I also get to explain the truth and give them ways to remember the sign with biblical backing.  This has brought such depth of conversation and fun into our little world.
   
      God creates each one of us on purpose.  He places in us talents and styles.  I will probably never be the kind of mom that bakes home made goods and delights my children with that wonderful experience on a regular basis.  I am the mom that makes homemade beef jerky to throw in there pockets and go on a hike up the creek!  One is not better than the other. In God's sovereign foreknowledge of what our kids will need invested in them He created us with styles and preferences.

In my natural bent of beef jerky creek Mom

     Having said that there is the other side of the coin.  Being willing to push past our comfort zone for the sake of others. My closest other's in my life right now are kids but this can apply to anyone in your life.  For example one of my dearest friends loves to bake with her girls and would love to do horses with them.  As I mentioned before I don't even think about baking on my own and I did do horses last week with my kids but not because I wanted to or even like horses.  I actually am indifferent about horses and they kind of scare me.

Not so natural Horse Mom

   
     So the challenge and encouragement is this. Is there something God wants you do in your life that is super natural for you and you could serve others with it.  And flip side, is there something you would not choose on your own that you need to be doing to love someone and invest into them.
     I hope you have a wonderful week and the Lord blesses you with many opportunities to love those around you with both sides of the coin.

STONE HER

     I love it when you struggle with something, work it through with the Lord and then He quickly reassures you of the truth on the matter, through His word!  This just happened with me from yesterday to this morning. 
      When I picked my kiddos up from My Mother in Loves house yesterday she was giving me and update on an events in someones life.  I couldn't remember who she was talking about.  So the only point of reference she could think of was a time when this person said something to me and I got so angry and offended.  Mom, couldn't remember what the issue was just that I was so very angry.  BAM!  Like a Mac Truck I was hit with discouragement over who I used to be.  This negative interaction took place like 5 years ago and I felt condemned like it was today!  I did used to get so easily offended which of course is rooted in pride but then when Mom brought it up I was soooooooo embarrassed....Hum?  Also rooted in PRIDE!  I was quiet destroyed over it.  I was so tired from the days events that all I could to was apply what our Pastor had taught on, on Sunday.  "We LEAK so we need to ask continually for the Holy Spirit to fill us!"  I did that laid down on the couch and took a good nap.  I woke up in grace and with my thoughts/heart screwed on strait.  I called my Mother in love and she re enforced the truth that God loves me, five years ago, He loves me now and that I am lovely because of His love for me.  Oh yeah! 
     I know that being slammed with sin of the past can pop up.  It could be sin we have already asked God to cleanse us of.  So how do we handle it?  Do we waste time and energy being embarrassed, or condemned over it?  Or do we remind ourselves of the truth of God's word.  We are all a work in progress that He delights to mold and shape until the day of Christ Jesus?  This morning I just "happened to be" in John 8 and just look at Jesus' heart towards us! 

John 8

Then the scribes and Pharisees brought to Him a woman caught in adultery. And when they had set her in the midst, ⁴ they said to Him, “Teacher, this woman was caught^[b] in adultery, in the very act. ⁵ Now Moses, in the law, commanded^[c] us that such should be stoned.^[d] But what do You say?”^[e] 6 This they said, testing Him, that they might have something of which to accuse Him. But Jesus stooped down and wrote on the ground with His finger, as though He did not hear.^[f]

⁷ So when they continued asking Him, He raised Himself up^[g] and said to them, “He who is without sin among you, let him throw a stone at her first.” ⁸ And again He stooped down and wrote on the ground. ⁹ Then those who heard it, being convicted by their conscience,^[h] went out one by one, beginning with the oldest even to the last. And Jesus was left alone, and the woman standing in the midst. ¹⁰ When Jesus had raised Himself up and saw no one but the woman, He said to her,^[i] “Woman, where are those accusers of yours?^[j] Has no one condemned you?”

¹¹ She said, “No one, Lord.”

And Jesus said to her, “Neither do I condemn you; go and^[k] sin no more.”

Such GRACE! I choose to walk that out today, how about you?

SLOW IT DOWN!

     Slowing down is something I have desired for a long time. There are times I choose to not be so busy and here are times that God chooses that I CAN NOT be busy.

New house! LOVE everything about it! 

     Getting into our new house was not under the most pleasant circumstances. Four months prior my husband's temp job ended there wasn't work to be found even though he did all that could be done to secure work. Even got a few great job's just to have them fall apart at the last minute. God was moving and even though we still don't know all the why we don't need to. We know Him more through it and that is never something to complain about. So February was our last month in our old house. We got all our stuff into storage, cleaned the old house and then we were homeless.

Old house all packed up, not knowing what was next

Seriously!  The kids and I stayed with a friend and Paul and our beloved but large puppy dog stayed in Paul's truck.  It was an intense season for us.  My greatest fear for the last 4 years happened.  Here is the great part...we made it through. We didn't handle it perfectly but we did love one another through it and by God's grace we continue to love the Lord.  When we did find a house to live in (which is a really cool story too.)  All our stuff was in storage.   God gave Paul a job so we moved our belongings in over the span of 3 weeks.  It was such a simple time.  Not having our stuff was a relief almost.  All I had to do with the kids was read the 60 library books we borrowed and enjoy the giant basement.

Reading books, no furniture for a week or so. 

We were also all recovering from Whooping cough!  I'm am telling you it was intense.
     Life in our new home is wonderful.  I love everything about it.  It is still very month to month as the job God gave Paul does not pay all the bills.  He continues to apply to fire departments.  God is supplementing our income with the Abide Scripts business He gave me in November.  I have to say honestly I still wouldn't trade how I have gotten to know the Lord for more money.  It is the thing He has used to get us desperate for Him and when we are desperate for Him we get to be filled to the brim with life, joy, peace and every other benefit He so lavishly provides.  I wouldn't mind steady finances of course but I am done arguing with Him about His chosen method to get my attention/worship on Him.
     So those few weeks were slow and glorious.  Then all our stuff was in I had tons of unpacking to do and I got busier again.
      Then it was Easter.  This Easter we got to host our family at our new house! Hanging out, sandwiches and s'mores over the bonfire!  Yes, please!  The plan was wonderful and then it happened the worst ear ache of my entire life. If you don't know that is saying allot as I could not possibly tell you how many ear infections I have had in my life time. Tubes as a child and now as an adult I would say I have one every 2 months if not more. This one took the cake.

icing my ear before everyone came over for Easter

I was in so much pain that I could hardly function. I did manage to enjoy my family and take a few great pictures.

I woke from the pain by 11pm.  I had to move out to the couch as there was no way I could be quiet enough for Paul to get any kind of sleep.  My ear drum ruptured from to much fluid from my sinus infection.  My inner and outer ear were infected.  I ear drained for a week straight.  I have been on antibiotics and the pain is gone!  Thank you Jesus!  I have for now lost almost all my hearing in my right ear.  You know the one I use to talk on the phone and the one that makes multi tasking possible.  I never knew how wonderful a design God had made in giving us two ears.  It is really much more efficient than one.  ANYWAYS!  It has really slowed me down.  I can't have the water running and hear something some one is saying right next to me.  I have to stop completely to look at my kids and hubby's mouth when they talk to me.  I have to trust the Lord to make sure I hear the things I need to, to keep my kids safe.            
      The doctor said I may never get my hearing back. At first I panicked a little and then told the Lord I would trust Him with it for 2-3 weeks. Lol! That's how long the doctor said it could take to get my hearing back. Of course that didn't fly and the Lord has been challenging to  to not only trust Him but give thanks in ALL circumstances. Even though it is extremely inconvenient to not hear very well it is forcing me to connect with the people in my life better.  It is actually a relief with my processing challenges.  I don't feel as over stimulated as I usually do.  How could loosing your hearing in one ear be good?  When your God is good and has ways that are higher than your own.  I would never choose this but I am so thankful for it.
      I got to be apart of a women's conference this weekend. I was so blessed. I had a table and was able to sell canvases and take orders. I also got to lead a break out session! I had planned on playing my guitar and singing (tough when you can't hear to stay on key) God worked mightily in spite of my weakness and bonus I had NO confusion about WHO should get the glory!

My table. I felt terrible all day but God didn't
mind He still did His thing! 

This in my excited nervous face right before I
got to share with 30 or so women God's love
and truth! 

     So after this very long post (thank you for reading) I want to challenge you.  Is there something in your life that God is frustrating or causing you to slow down about.  I so often paint "Be still and know that I am God."  Those canvases sell like hot cakes because we all struggle to be still.  But when we get still we know that He is God and there is nothing that changes your life like having that knowledge at the for front of your thinking and worship! So what is it that needs to slow down? Are you thankful for it?

LOVE NEVER FAILS

   

     I have written those words on paper on canvas and now I believe God has written them deeper into my heart than ever before.  For about 2 1/2 weeks now the Lord has taken me through the darker corridors of my own heart.  It has been brutal.  I have been seeing my sin.  Things that maybe one else sees, maybe.  The one that has caught my particular attention and grieved me to the core is the sin of not loving others.  I mean I serve others all day long.  I'm a wife and a mom, a friend and a daughter so naturally there is ample opportunity to do for others but I have noticed a lack of love in doing so.  When I say love I mean the kind of love in 1 Cor. 13.  You know that chapter used in weddings and memorized by many.  The one I have kind of always glazed over in my life long familiarity with God's word.  A love that describes God's nature as He is love.  This love if manifested in our own lives might just change our entire human experience this side of heaven.  There is a blaring difference between God's love and my own.  A God kind of love has no EXPECTATION of RETURN.  This may sound super obvious but this week as I examined my actions and my heart motive behind them I was devastated to find that most often I truly am in it for my own benefit.
      Loving God's way is completely contrary to my own nature that I found its something that must be done ON PURPOSE.  For example, Love is patient. Patience is not required unless our agenda is being interrupted.  So then love handles interruption with patience or long suffering. I have never in my life suffered well for a long time ON ACCIDENT.  Love is not self-seeking again our human nature seeks it own with out even thinking about it.  Keeping no records of wrongs!  Sheesh, that's a good one.  So to love requires FORGIVENESS constantly.  I mean if I can't keep a single record then I have to let others off the hook even while they are offending or sinning against me! (Not that we don't set healthy boundaries. Forgiveness and healthy boundaries are two separated matters.)  Love ALWAYS TRUSTS! Always trusts who? The LORD!!!!
      This is my hope at the end of a revelation in my life that nearly devastated me.  Though it feels impossible to love like God loves us, it is possible.  This may be the greatest thing that Christ strengthens us for! (Phil.4:13)   If you have been sealed with the Holy Spirit you GET to love God's way.  It is a part of Him living in us.  A fruit of His Spirit if you will. (Gal. 5:22)  We can't make God's love happen through us.  It has to be that seed planted, germinated, growing strong and producing fruit. We grow in God's economy!  The Holy Spirit will work His love through us but we have to do our part.  In the past I thought my part was striving to act properly. Which of course is exhosting.  But you never see a fruit tree strive to produce fruit.  It happens naturally when the tree is healthy and it is the right season. (not saying there are seasons not to love just seasons of more maturity)
      So how do we grow a healthy tree?  Remember that we are the tree and not the Gardener for starters.  Stay planted in the rich soil of God's word, let the sun light of the Holy Spirits conviction grieve us at when we see our own sin.  When the light has exposed our darkness let Gardener draw near to comfort (Matt. 5:4).  Let Him tend to us and do the pruning necessary for maximum growth and fruit.  When we do pop out a little fruit again, remember who the Gardener is and without Him there would be no life at all.
     My prayer for myself and you dear reader, is that we would humble ourselves and love without expectation of a return. That we would enjoy the care of our gentle Gardener and continue to grow and bear fruit.

      LOVE NEVER FAILS. 

1 Cor. 13:4-8a

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

⁸ Love never fails.

Gal. 5:22

²² But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, ²³ gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.

Matt. 5:4

Blessed are those who mourn,
    for they will be comforted.