Last week my Hub and I were having a conversation on parenting. I was freaking out because a few of our kids are exhibiting new behaviors and I felt powerless and confused on how to handle it. I lean towards over-anilization and getting to the core of the situation. That has its place but can be dangerous if it paralyzes us in the everyday of parenting, which it had. Paul reminded me that no matter what changes our kids go through and there will be many our job remains the same. We are to love God and show them what that looks like. God will give us wisdom for each changing season and we don't need to freak out. RIGHT! This is why I value my man's input so much. He takes me from crazy professor looking at the situation through a microscope, pulls me back and reminds me that there is a beautiful panoramic landscape to see. Our part is to love and obey God and the results are up to Him. So good.
Also in this conversation Paul made a comment that bugged me. Mostly because its a sad waist of my energy and reveal a lie that I cling to. "Jess, I can't wait for the day that you believe that you are a good Mom and not the scum of the earth that you think you are." Hmmm. What do you do with that? At first I blew it off, rolled the eyes of my heart and chose to abide in unbelief. Then it bugged me enough to say, "OK, OK God what is the truth about this matter. I do think I'm a bad Mom." GUILT. I have major guilt over the smaller years of raising our kids. There were several years of irrational anger at certain times of the month that obliterates my desire to parent in patience and love. Not that I was a victim but my REAL hormonal imbalance made it difficult to love no matter how many times a day I would cry out to God for help. So I have some guilt that I am holding on to. Not because its helpful or hopeful but because of my pride. Guilt really is an arrogant state of heart. Really, guilt says if i beat myself up enough maybe one day I can earn back the favor of God. LAME. As a believer I have accepted grace. Not just to save me from hell but for the everyday redemption for not living perfect. The truth is I have peace with God I have been made right and the more I believe that the more it will affect my behavior. Hanging on to guilt never made a person more free to walk in obedience to the One who considers them precious enough to give His all for them. Never. So it is by faith I need to let go of the guilt and choose to cling to the undeserved privilege of GRACE. Stand there stay there and ABIDE. Not as license to sin more but as the power behind sinning less. And exhale.
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| I am a good Mom. |
