This idea of not just having a monologue when there is correction to be given but drawing your kid out. Finding out what is going on in their little head and heart. This is a skill to be developed. It is one thing to sit down with an adult and ask them heart questions but entirely different with a 4 or 2 year old! I have found myself needing to simplify and get to the point more quickly. Asking the right questions is critical. Instead of why did you hit your sister, asking, what were you feeling when you hit or what happened with your sitter that you got angry or what other way could you have responded when she did something to upset you? I am also encouraged to be more mindful of the position of their little hearts when there is conflict. Correction should not be my only form of communication with them. Encouragement, rebuke, entreaty, instruction and warning are just as valuable. Oh, it is sober, my need for wisdom with each conflict. I need wisdom just about every moment of the day in raising these Babies!
As I have been asking more questions and throwing out correction less immediately I have noticed I don't know as much as I think i do. Several times this last week what I thought was happening wasn't happening at all!
For example:
As we were getting ready to go a few days ago I asked Troy to put a show on for him and Bear so I could get ready and get Abigail ready with less chance of being interrupted by conflict. They watched a show, all was well, but as we got in the car Troy said, "Oh know Mom! I just watched TV but I lost screens for today. (A consequence he received the night before.) I was so blessed by his integrity which was the opposite of the lying issue we are working on that I chose to reward him with a spider man pen. (We have a stash of toys mainly for rewards at the end of the week of chores). He was so excited! Bear on the other hand started bawling. First I assumed he was just jealous which be probably was. I explained we are working on not lying with troy and working on not hitting when angry with him and that there will be times one gets rewarded and not the other. All great things to stay to a 4-5 year old and all went straight over my little Bear's head. We were getting no were as I was telling Bear what he was thinking and what was wrong with it. After many questions and actually listening to him I found out, yes of course he wanted a pen too but the bottom line issue was that he was so sad that Troy didn't get to watch TV all day because he wanted to snuggle on the couch with him during our evening TV time! What! So my assumption was sooooooooooooooo off! And a negative one when the reality was so endearing and wonderful.
As a side note we were on our way to work in the nursery for Woman's study at our church and while there another kid did something that made Bear mad and he chose not to pummel the kid. Bear was so was excited about his victory! I got to reward him with a pen too when we got home.
So new goal: strike a better balance of listening and creating conversation with correction.
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| Desiring to do the everyday better |
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