AH FREAK OUT!

    Bear: 

"Mom, why do you make those canbases" (canvases)

     Great question kid! I told him that it was because when I am doing it I feel like I am doing something God created me to do. That may sound a little cheesy but let me explain.  Its not the painting per say its the worship.  The canvas and the paint and my letter styles and placement is the fun outlet but I was CREATED TO WORSHIP MY GOD!

     Yesterday I freak out!  I mean lost it.  Paul has been volunteering at our local Fire Station for 2 1/2 years.  His first day was the night Abi was born.  We have sacrificed as a family and he has worked so hard to get his EMT and all the training and time under his belt to even be in a position to apply for the hiring that is about to take place.  It could be the end (or some relief) to a very long stressful financially unsecured time for us.  So, of course "him getting the job" has been an idol that has fought hard to get on my heat!  I have beat it into submission over and over by God's grace but it keeps getting back up as idol's often do.  Paul got the phone call yesterday that he has an interview!  You would think I would be ecstatic.  No, I freaked out.  At first I was happy then I got angry.  Thoughts of I better not get my hopes up because God is just going to slam that door in our faces again.  YUCK!  Its true I was so rude in my heart with the Lord.  I knew this attitude wasn't OK but on the real its how I felt.  Granted I am hormonal and sick, not a good time to be processing life but process I tried.  I ended up lashing out at my family over stupid stuff.  At one point Paul came back in the room and said, "Is it safe to come out."  He was so gracious with me an even snuggled me while I cried and told him I don't know how to handle this.  He gave sound encouragement and we moved on with our day.  My man's words were good but I also wanted to hear from the LORD on how to handle the next few weeks. 

     This is Romans 12:12.  This is also the answer God gave me. The reason I want to share it is because its not just for me and my unique trial.  Its for everyone that loves Him.  Its for you reading this and it applies to what ever your current trial is.  I looked up all the Greek definitions to all the words and it could also read like this:

      I am to be, calmly happy in expectation and confidence in Jesus. Don't try to get out from under the pressure He is allowing but while under it be insistent, constant and diligent to worship in prayer. 

     Oh right, so I'm going to say that is a far cry from Rage Mommy.  I said to Paul yesterday, "I want to go to bed and wake up in a month when everything is decide."  That would be a major red flag for not meekly saying, "Yes, Lord I will stay in this trial and know You more in it." 

     So, I am only as far as the "freak out," and then the truth to calm me.  Now its time to walk in it.  If you would like to pray for me I would shout: YES PLEASE!  I so desperately want to love my God more and not be so rude in my lack of faith.  He is gracious and knew my freak out before I did.  I know He will show me more of Himself to get me though the next few weeks.