Happy New Year!

Paul and I have never been big new year's eve people. We spent last night cuddled up watching the second half of a moving we started that night before. He is on shift today so that meant an early get up time (for him I slept in till 7 and loved every second). I'm sick. The kids are a little off their rockers with friends staying with us and a major dose of free time with 2 weeks off of structure.
I have never been a set goals kind of person or a new year of resolutions. I have always been pretty self motivated so a list of what to accomplish in a year? For some would be motivating for me would be pushing me close to a danger zone of legalism.
Things have changed a bit. 2013 God revealed to me that I needed to walk in Grace. I had no idea what that meant. 2014 He showed me and helped me take small but life changing steps out of legalism and into grace motivated freedom. I find myself with a strange amount of white noise in my brain were there used to be a guilty voice saying your not good enough try harder. I don't have to try. Anything done in a motive to glorify myself no matter how good is a waste of time. I finally get it that the good works I am privileged to do are only made possible by God's intentional work in my life. Yes I cooperate with dieing to self and obedience but He does the heavy lifting. So what to do with the empty space in my head? For a few weeks I have just been marveling that it was even possible for God to heal me of my need to please anyone but Him. And now its time to replace it with His vision and dream for me. Not calling...but vision within the calling.
My calling in life is no mystery to me. I am a wife, mom and get to paint not he side. I am also a friend, daughter, sister and that random girl in the grocery store that will always strike up a conversation! Before all of that I am His little girl. I am accepted, beautiful and still always teetering on believe that truth.
I stared reading a book by Jennie Allen called Restless. Get it. Its only $2.99 right now. I have even been reading it in my morning time with the Lord! Gasp! I know not just bible but a book! Not something I prefer but I was so lost on what to study and where to start! My sister in love Shell and I talked about doing the Restless study but budget for us both said no. I have been so blessed and challenge by this book so far. In the first few chapters God has used His word that is woven throughout the pages to get at my heart. He has dreams and vision for my life with in my obvious calling.

Acts 2:16-17English Standard Version (ESV)

16 But this is what was uttered through the prophet Joel, “‘And in the last days it shall be, God declares that I will pour out my Spirit on all flesh,and your sons and your daughters shall prophesy, and your young men shall see visions, and your old men shall dream dreams;

That is the part that is lacking right now. But if I want to hear it from Him I have to SURRENDER! Oh that again. Yes that...I think for our whole lives every single day! I know I am called to be home full time. With in that calling is the responsibility to keep the home well, meal plan, educate our 3 kids and have something of myself left over to love on my man when he is home! (this is just my calling not a list of what a woman "should" be doing). I lost the love of it all somewhere. Part of my lost love has been due to some very real hormonal imbalances that we are currently working with doctors on. (yay) And the other half is being overwhelmed be cause I refuse to keep checking in with the Lord. I can talk all day about Abiding in Him being the answer to all my struggles if I want but when the kids are melting down and I want to join them that is the time to check in. Lord, how would you like me to handle this. I promise in all the times I have actually checked in never once did the Spirit put it on my heart to flip out and scream just cause if feels good for a split second. Never.
So Check in. That is a goal for this year.

God has also recently asked me (and by recent I mean this morning) if I am ready to die to myself in a specific area. OK, Lord lets do it. He is asking me to lay down my own opinion of myself. EeK! As ugly and hindering as my oppion of myself is, it is something else I love, comfortable and familiar. God is asking me to lay down all my super over processed evaluations of myself and walk away. Not only walk away but walk towards the dreams and vision He has for me. Also to rehearse His evaluation of me that is spelled out so clearly in His word.

I don't know what that vision is yet as all I was able to do so far is lay it down my old thoughts and uncomfortably take the first step but I do know this one thing from experience. When we are willing to die to ourselves or our evaluation of ourselves that doesn't lie up with God's thoughts towards us the result is life. I have tasted it and it is sweet. Freedom is more addicting that any other pleasure this world has to offer. We just have to take that scary step to die to ourselves first.

John 12:24-25English Standard Version (ESV)24 Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit. 25 Whoever loves his life loses it, and whoever hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life.

That's it for goals for my 2015:
Check in
Die to self
Write real letters once a month if not more
Choose Health (physically)

I am confident that these are goals in line with God's word and will for my life. I am excited to see how He works them all out and gifts me with vision, discipline, death/freedom, and guidance.