The Grace Pack

     Most of my walk with God has been exhausting.  I'll admit.  When I would hear people talk of freedom like it was real and the "load" being lifted I could never fully relate.  Sad right.  I have had times of lightness in my relationship with God and moments of freedom but usually to fallow is the heavy load of condemnation. "there is now therefore now no condemnation."  What?  I have often wondered why I can't seem to get ride of this driving need to be "perfect!"  I shared with my Mother-in-Love that grace seems like a foreign language to me.  I have the intellect but I lack implementing and enjoying the benefit.  She prayed for me after or conversation as she always does, and days later told me that in her praying she felt the Lord tell her that its not that I don't understand grace because I can explain it forwards and backwards.  Its that I don't receive it on a continual basis.
     Receive grace continually.  I had know idea what that means!  So I told God, I have no idea what she is talking about.  In the middle of a rough week (you know the hormonal one), I needed to take the dog out which was good since if I hadn't walked out the door I may have screamed at my kids one more time.  On my front law, dog pooping, near tears, I verbally said, " God is this it? Is this when I am supposed to receive grace?  But I don't know how or what that means.  So, by faith I receive it.  Pour it out.  Make it fruitful and helpful right now in this situation."  He DID!  I didn't feel any different but when I walked back into my house it was still full of 3 kids in the midst of conflict but I was settled.  If you have kids you know if Mama is settled and peaceful its half the battle. We ended up having a wonderful rest of the day.
     I love that God met me right in the rough moment.  I still desired to understand better.  So I kept asking.  God show me what it is to RECEIVE grace continually.  He said yes.  Yesterday morning there was conflict between my man and I.  Most of it was it was a direct result of yours truly walking in the flesh.  I pushed my man to the point of just wanting to go to work and get out of the house.  If you know anything about his work its really sad that he would rather be there than on the living room couch with me.  So I screwed up.  I don't usually have a problem knowing how I mess up its the "what to do with it" that I get tripped up on.  I had a choice to make.  Be super co-dependent and wait till he gets home to have peace and order restored in my world.  Or do business with God and trust Him for the resolve with my husband in His timing.   I thought I would do the trusting one cause I did not want our 3 to deal with the out come of me waiting.  Which would just look like angry Mama.  So I said, "Help me Jesus today, I confess my selfishness and believe You for my cleansing and receive your grace to move on from it."  All of the sudden it hit me!  "Lord, is that it?! I confess, You cleanse and I carry away Your grace which is easy and light.  Not my condemnation which is so heavy!"
     God gave me a picture of a girl going on a life hike.  (I love to hike) She has a day pack.  The pack is only big enough to carry what she needs for one day.  As she sins the pack gets heavy.  At any time she can whip it off and dump it out.  There on the forest floor she says," God this is my sin, would you take it from me."  Reflexively He says, "Yes of course, that's why I sent my Son."  With out thinking she would say thanks and then pack the heavy load all back in her pack and wonder why the hike was so hard.  That was before.   She finally got it!  The truth that Jesus spoke in Matt.11:28-30, Come to Me, all who labor (feel fatigue) and are heavy laden (over burdened with ceremony or spiritual anxiety) , and I will give you rest (like a reflex He refreshes) .  Take my yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart and you will find rest for your souls.  For My yoke is easy and my burden is light.  Its easy and light because its GRACE! Now she notices the weight of her pack, remembering that she can dump it out she does, she again asks her reflexively, gracious God to take if from her and then she lets Him.  He doesn't leave her with an empty pack.  In wonder and a sweet peace that she is only a little familiar with she watches Him.  Carefully He re-packs.  In her one day pack she finds grace.  It's white and looks just like down feathers.  It has just enough weight so she doesn't forget its there but never tires her out. Which is great cause energy is so precious when you hike. She sets camp for the night. That was a good day. The next morning before she even gets started she does something new.  "Lord, could you fill my pack?"  There was the trail before this truth and there is the trail after. She rejoices as hiking just became so much more fun!

     Ps. Paul and I are just fine. I got to confess my sin to him, share what God showed me and we are back at enjoying one another again.