OFFENDED

   

Troy and me just before moving to Sac. 

     When Troy our oldest was 2 months old we moved from San Diego to Sacramento.  We had desired our whole marriage (3 1/2 yrs) to get back into "full-time ministry."  I use quotes because we have learned since that any life surrendered to Christ is "full-time ministry" and a church job doesn't give you any extra "Holy points" that working at a factory.  At the time we desired to work at a church.  God said yes and we moved our little family to Sacramento.  In our two years there we encountered many difficulties.  We had a wonderful group of teens that we got to love on and do live with and to this day we cherish them.

Paul at camp with the youth

There came a point that we needed to step down and it was on the basis of right and wrong.  We believed we were acting in obedience to the Lord.  It did not go well, to put it lightly.  We came away from the experience extremely wounded.  We moved back to Kentucky and into the up stairs of Paul's parents with Troy and now Bear at 3 months old.  After 8 months we were able to get into our own place and start a construction business.  It failed and we found ourselves in complete financial ruin.  I can not begin to express the devastation we felt.  Our perspective at the time was, " Great, Lord we obey you and this is what we get?!"  I know arrogant but so human.  On top of it all we found out we were pregnant with Abigail at a time that we couldn't even feed 2 kids let alone 3!  These were the darkest days I have ever experienced.  I felt abandoned by my God afflicted with a pregnancy were I threw up several times a day the entire 9 months and abandoned by my husband.  I say I felt. Paul, didn't go anywhere and he was amazing with our boys, being consistent in his wonderful parenting and playing with them.  Paul was wrestling so hard with God in his own way over all the same circumstances that he didn't have anything left for me emotionally.  I don't share this to be disrespectful just to paint the picture of my devastation.  God has redeemed our marriage and their isn't an ounce of resentment in either of our hearts over the some of the poor choices each of us made in those dark days.  So the thing I valued most in my life, my connection with my man was gone.  I was ANGRY!  I was more than angry I was OFFENDED!  Big time.  How could God allow such terrible to happen to me when I have spent my whole life serving Him and trying to know Him more.  It was a crisis of faith and I didn't have the foundation I needed to weather it well.  The foundation I speak of is the belief that God is good and good towards me.  With out faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to Him must believe that He is and that He rewards those to earnestly seek Him.  (Heb. 11:6)  I could quote that all day long and had know idea what it meant.  I believed He was good but not good towards ME.  As a young girl I loved Jesus with that wonderful pure childlike faith, then He allowed me to be molested at age 11 and I knew full well He could have saved me from that and didn't.  I had felt abandoned and "less than" ever since.  How precious of the Lord to allow the idol of my husbands connection and affection to be taken out so that I could deal with a long standing lie that affected the very core of how I interact with Him and everyone else.
     As a result of not being able to reconcile God's love with His "lack of protection" as a child I have lived out my christian walk mildly offended with Jesus.  Of course there is conflict with this perspective in all the promises of scripture.  I had been fearful to believe God's promises for myself because I didn't want to be let down or made to look like a fool.  God's goodness is the foundation that we have to believe in order to weather the storms of this life.  They will come, it rain's on the just and the unjust but that doesn't change who God is.
     I came across this articulation of my problem while doing my Beth Moor study Believing God. In my home work I was to look up Matt. 11:1-6 ( you can find this chuck of scripture at the end of the post.) What is happening is John the Baptist had sent men to check with Jesus if He was really the Christ the One he had spent his entire life getting ready to prepare the way for.  John was probably wrestling with a similar dilemma of if You are Who I believe you are that you can totally get me out of prison but you choose not to.  Jesus assured him that He was and said, "Blessed are you if you are not offended with Me."  Most of us have or are going to go through something we know God is big enough to fix and He will choose not to.  What then?  We have two choices, get angry and offended or get blessed because by faith we choose to not be offended at His sovereign choice that we do for the life of us understand.  Remember, that faith is safe because He is good and good towards us.
     This changed everything for me.  As I go through life and am acutely aware that what ever comes my way is sovereignty allowed by God and He will use it for my good (because I love Him and am called according to His purpose. Rom. 8:28) I no longer have to brace for impact.
     This last round of impending joblessness for my husband was so much less stressful because I have been believing that God is good and good to ME.  His promises in scripture apply to ME.  Even if Paul doesn't get a job that pays all the bills even if we aren't able to stay in our current house, again.  There is such peace and reward in Trusting my good God.
     I'd love to end with that and say I have it down and practice it consistently...I don't and I don't. But the truth has set me free to gain more ground more quickly in my heart/mind.  That is worth getting excited about!
     Beloved reader. Is there anything you are offended over that Jesus has allowed.  I implore to surrender it to Christ and believe He is good and good to YOU.

MATTHEW11

1Now it came to pass, when Jesus finished commanding His twelve disciples, that He departed from there to teach and to preach in their cities.

² And when John had heard in prison about the works of Christ, he sent two of^[a] his disciples ³ and said to Him, “Are You the Coming One, or do we look for another?”

⁴ Jesus answered and said to them, “Go and tell John the things which you hear and see:⁵ The blind see and the lame walk; the lepers are cleansed and the deaf hear; the dead are raised up and the poor have the gospel preached to them. ⁶ And blessed is he who is not offended because of Me.”