DESPERATE

 And lest I should be exalted above measure by the abundance of the revelations, a thorn in the flesh was given to me, a messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I be exalted above measure.  Concerning this thing I pleaded with the Lord three times that it might depart from me, and He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness." Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ's sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong.  

2 Chorinthians 12:7-10

     When we suffer, it is likely that we will have one of two responses.  We seem to either draw near to God or walk away from Him. Having a neutral heart response is not an option. The scripture above has always sounded like something I should memorize, love and live with deep conviction.  In reality,  I have had no idea what in the world Paul (author of 2 Cor.) was talking about!  Paul says he “gladly boasts in the suffering that God allows in his life.”  The word “boast” in the Greek (the New Testament original language), means “to approve and even take pleasure in!”  A far cry from the way I have handled trials in the past. 

     Usually when I get uncomfortable with a very difficult circumstance, I do everything to run from the discomfort (not literally of course, but in my heart.)  I try to find comfort in “something or someone” other than the Lord - my husband, a TV show, food, cleaning my house - you name it - I’ll find it.  We can use anything to try and dull pain - even good things.  I would try and find peace in something I felt I could control since my trial made me feel out of control. 

     As a side note, if we don't yet believe God is good and good towards us (even in allowing pain and suffering), we will never fully grasp the truth found in these verses. God “being good and for us” is a perspective that changes how we endure a trial, it changes our very perspective regarding that trial, it helps us to allow God to be God and to be open to His sovereign work in us.  If you don't yet believe or understand God’s love for you, just ask for the faith to do so.  His love and goodness toward you is something He wants to bless you with daily.

     Once His goodness isn't in question and we get hit with something hard in life, we are able to experience this state of approval about our trial. Not approving of the terrible thing itself, but of where it will take us in our relationship with Jesus. If we would dare to not question our circumstances, but instead draw near to Him (press into Him), we would experience something new and incredible. 

     Over the last two years, I have stumbled through the darkest and most desperate time in my walk with Christ.  As a result of several circumstances, I felt stripped of many of the things I held most dear.  I spent the first portion of this season extremely angry at God. Being angry at God, though we may feel justified at the time, is a most miserable existence for ourselves and those closest to us. Eventually I got sick of being miserable and angry.  I knew there was rebellion in my heart and I was ready to repent.  I was able to embrace the truth that God is good. No news to Him of course!  I told Him that if He never restored the things I held most dear,  I would still worship Him with my every waking breath! 

Our Family During some of the dark time. 

     The darkness of that season felt like it would never pass. but as soon as I repented of trying to get out of my suffering and settled in meekness toward my God, I experienced something new!!!  Desperation!  I know that doesn't sound like a huge victory, but I assure you it was. I am desperate for my Jesus each morning - to get out of bed and into His word.  I am desperate for Jesus as I intentionally strive to be a joyful and fun Mom. I am desperate for Jesus as I love and honor my husband and desperate for Jesus as I put one foot in front of the other for the everyday stuff.  We need something that is sufficient for our troubles - something that raises a barrier of protection, something that is enough! God gives His grace for our need.  His grace is the act of divine influence upon our hearts!  His grace is His acceptance, benefit, favor, gift, and liberation!  This grace saves us from our sin and hell and helps us daily live out our life in Christ.  Once saved by grace, our desperation for Jesus helps us experience this daily gift more fully. 

     I have definitely moved out of that dark and terrible season!  Thank you Jesus!  I have taken with me an approval, pleasure and willingness to endure the “hard” as I know I will enjoy the grace sufficient for me in the trial.  I love nothing more in this life than being “desperate for God” and Him filling my desperation with grace. We are protected even in the worst of times by His grace!  

     We can stand with Paul and say, "Therefore, we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal." 2 Cor. 4:16-18