GUILT & GRACE

    
      Last week my Hub and I were having a conversation on parenting. I was freaking out because a few of our kids are exhibiting new behaviors and I felt powerless and confused on how to handle it. I lean towards over-anilization and getting to the core of the situation. That has its place but can be dangerous if it paralyzes us in the everyday of parenting, which it had. Paul reminded me that no matter what changes our kids go through and there will be many our job remains the same. We are to love God and show them what that looks like. God will give us wisdom for each changing season and we don't need to freak out. RIGHT! This is why I value my man's input so much. He takes me from crazy professor looking at the situation through a microscope, pulls me back and reminds me that there is a beautiful panoramic landscape to see. Our part is to love and obey God and the results are up to Him. So good. 
     Also in this conversation Paul made a comment that bugged me. Mostly because its a sad waist of my energy and reveal a lie that I cling to. "Jess, I can't wait for the day that you believe that you are a good Mom and not the scum of the earth that you think you are." Hmmm. What do you do with that? At first I blew it off, rolled the eyes of my heart and chose to abide in unbelief. Then it bugged me enough to say, "OK, OK God what is the truth about this matter. I do think I'm a bad Mom." GUILT. I have major guilt over the smaller years of raising our kids. There were several years of irrational anger at certain times of the month that obliterates my desire to parent in patience and love. Not that I was a victim but my REAL hormonal imbalance made it difficult to love no matter how many times a day I would cry out to God for help. So I have some guilt that I am holding on to. Not because its helpful or hopeful but because of my pride. Guilt really is an arrogant state of heart. Really, guilt says if i beat myself up enough maybe one day I can earn back the favor of God. LAME.  As a believer I have accepted grace. Not just to save me from hell but for the everyday redemption for not living perfect. The truth is I have peace with God I have been made right and the more I believe that the more it will affect my behavior. Hanging on to guilt never made a person more free to walk in obedience to the One who considers them precious enough to give His all for them. Never. So it is by faith I need to let go of the guilt and choose to cling to the undeserved privilege of GRACE. Stand there stay there and ABIDE. Not as license to sin more but as the power behind sinning less. And exhale. 

I am a good Mom.

A Year Ago Today

   

      A year ago if you asked me what my greatest pressing fear was I would have said, "being homeless."  Well it happened.  My man secured work over and over and for 4 months straight and everything fell through for crazy unexplainable reasons.  We were renting a home that we were thankful for but didn't like very much.  We made the most of it but as I was painting more we were really out growing it.  It came time to tell our Land Lord we just can't pay rent we need to move out. So Paul did but we didn't have any place to move in to.  I FELT like it was over.  Our life was ruined. We did our best to present it as an adventure to our 6, 4 and 2 year olds.

Praise God in conversation now they loved that time and have only wonderful memories of it other that eating to much McDonald's.  A year ago last week we pack everything we owned and put it in storage not knowing when or where we would get to unpack it.  We worked tirelessly to leave the that house clean and repaired.  We had help and great encouragement from friends and family.  I can not convey the emotional and physical done-ness we experienced.  Oh, did I mention our entire family had whooping cough?  We did.  The kids and I stayed in a friends basement and Paul and Duke our dog slept in Paul's truck.  I remember crying and telling my Father in Love, "God is letting our life fall apart!" He softly responded, "No, God is allowing your life to be rearranged."  Wise and true words that geared my thinking back to trusting God even though I could not see the purpose in all of it.

first time I saw our current house which we hope to buy one day! 

     A couple days into our unknown season Paul was driving down the street and saw a for rent sign a mile up the road from his parents.  He asked me to check it out.  I did but knew it was out of the price range of the factory job Paul had secured through and old neighbor as we told them why we were moving.  I had a very real conversation about where we were at with the man renting this beautiful home that I never thought would be an option for us.  To my surprise the he said, "I have 30 applicants for this house already and I want you to rent it."  He loves the Lord is long time friends with our last Land Lord and felt like the Spirit said this is your family!  What!?  The plan was that Paul would get a second job and we just wouldn't see him.  We got into the house and for 4 months that is what we did.  We had to trust God with Paul's calling to be fireman which seems totally confusing with the given circumstances and just pressed on.  We had to accept that this might be what God has for us and are we still going to be thankful for what we don't want because it is provision and God is still good and in love with us.  Those 4 months were so very hard and wonderful at the same time.  We grew like no other time in our marriage and parenting.  We also screwed up of course but I wouldn't trade what we went through for money.  God worked in us a dependence on Him alone.  And we KNOW that the testing of our faith does indeed produce STEADFASTNESS!
     So a year ago today is when we signed papers and got into the nicest most perfect home for our needs.  June of last year God gave Paul that full-time job as a fire fighter.  So much has happened this year and we in a state of profound thankfulness as we look back.  God has been so good to us even in what felt at the time to be abandonment.  He truly was just rearranging our life. Just wanted to share.

trying to make things fun

Friends and family helping load everything up for the storage unit

helping Dad make the house look great for the new renters 

This was the moment I was completely done and at my end. Last day cleaning the old house. 

Bear: Mom can we start eating healthy food again. I don't want any more Mcdonald's it makes my whole body fell yuck! 

Our Kids are PEOPLE!

     Duh! Right?  Our 3 are all under 2 years apart.  People often refer to that as stair stepped.  Not as close as some kids but still each time I was pregnant and having a new baby the old one was still a baby himself!  "Old one" hahah.  Anyways.  I have been a parent for 7 years, so long and so short at the same time. All my babies are now self sufficient little people.  They dress themselves, feed them selves, walk themselves, go to the bathroom all on their own and many more things that they used to need me for. 
     So recognizing that my babies are people has been a gradual becoming more natural as they act like little people and not just pooping, creaming adorable blobs!  God has challenged me lately with a very simple but profound scripture application shift.  That was a mouthful.  Basically He has challenged my perspective on my kids and the bible and how they interact.  I have read and applied God's word for years but as I see my babies as people, so much more of scripture applies beyond "train them up in the way they should go!"  I no longer hunt for "parenting verses" the whole thing applies!  That's exciting. The first time I really got this concept  was this the scripture Galatians 6:1-2.  This morning I was in Col. 1 and  thought I would pass on what I found and how it relates to being a Mom or Dad! 

Colossians 1:28-29 ESV

28 Him we proclaim, warning everyone and teaching everyone with all wisdom, that we may present everyone mature in Christ. 29 For this I toil, struggling with all His energy that He powerfully works within me.

     OK, "everyone" includes my 7, 5, and 3 year old!  Our job is obviously to teach our kids but not just life stuff "life and godliness."  Here's were is gets fun toil means to labor, to feel fatigue, and work hard.  Parenting 101!  Struggling means to complete for a prize, accomplish something. So often we get confused as parents.  We think that our toil and struggle should end in the prize we want.  Well behaved kids that make us look good.  Such a shallow goal doesn't always get to the place that God wants to work.  God is interested in our kids hearts.  So we do the work, we toil, we struggle, we get real with God about our own sin and we infuse scripture into our own lives so that we can teach what we have graciously been taught.  When we first and consistently go to God about our own issues then He teaches us how to proclaim, warn and even struggle and toil well. He has it all covered.  God is all about our proximity to Him.  We can read all the parenting books in the world but if we aren't getting raw, real and close to God and staying there we will not have what we need to teach these kids to be mature in Christ one day. 

     So, that's it for now.  I'm sure I will come across another familiar scripture that I never thought to apply to parenting and be to excited about it to not share!  Blessings on your walks with God and parenting!  We can do this people He works in us to be sufficient for the job he has called us to! 

God has completely change my relationship with this one!
I'm enjoying who he is even in his less mature state! 

STRONG WILLED

     I have share in previous POSTS that I recently have come to my complete end in parenting.  In my pride I thought if that ever happened, if I threw my hands up and said, "I just don't know what to do!" the world might stop spinning.  Well I did about three weeks ago.  I gave up.  BEST THING I EVER DID! 
      Going into parenting I thought I was going to do such a great job.  I was the "good one" growing up and everyone said, "you'll be a great mom."  I would try to "humbly" say thank you but inside part of me was like, "yeah I know," and the other part of me was terrified of failing.  Quite the perfect storm in side me.  Well we had our first.  There isn't much of what I would consider parenting that first year just a lot of keeping them alive!  Right? Well, once our first born made it to the terrible 2's and wasn't so terrible that was it!  The part of me that "knew" I would be a great mom got puffed up and decided I was amazing. Then #2 was born.  From the get go things were different.  He was black and blue on arrival because he came out so fast!  Seriously.  When you refer to a boy as a "bruiser" that our second.  Started crawling at 5-ish months and ever since hasn't been to concerned with making sure I feel like I'm a good mom.  For a long while I have felt sorry for my self. Just being real here. Who did God think he was to give me a strong willed kid and messing up what I thought of myself. PRIDE PRIDE PRIDE.  God is so gracious to give us what He knows will be to our benefit. 
     Our second kid is 5 years old. I have gone to God most days of that 5 years and begged for help or complained but just in the last three weeks I have said, "what do you think of my kid." What is your perspective on this strong willed thing. He has answered here and there but just this morning I got a glimpse of something truly helpful. 
     

Romans 12:1-2

 I appeal to you therefore, brothers,[a] by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. 2 Do not be conformed to this world,[c] but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

     GOD IS STRONG WILLED!  Seriously, track with me.  We are made in the image of God right.  The things about us that look like God if not surrounded are usually our greatest weakness as well.  Like, God is a God of order, I love to be orderly but if I don't keep that good characteristic surrendered to God it will turn into order-zilla!  There will be no room for mess, and all will be perfect all the time with no wiggle room.  My kid has a strong will.  So does his heavenly Father!  God has a good, perfect and pleasing will and we are so thankful for it even though we don't understand it all the time.  My kid has his Father's characteristic in this area.  That is a good thing.  What I GET to do as his parent is keep introducing him to Jesus so that he can one day surrender this part of how God has made him and God WILL use it for His glory.  Maybe this is really simple but its a perspective that helps me stay calm when in yet another battle over behavior.  The term "strong willed" just lost all its negative connotation that the world and even the church has put on it. 

    My prayer for my husband, myself and every other parted of a strong willed kids is that God would grant perspective in the little years.  That He would give His unconditional yet firm love for our kids to us and that we would parent more and more the way He does. 

PRESENT yourself = TA DA?

Romans 12:1

 I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship.

     I have read, memorized and taught this scripture for years!  So I would definitely classify it as familiar.  Familiar or not I love that God's word is alive and interactive with us because I have just been blown away by some sweet truth that I have never seen before in this verse.  Here we go! 

     Maybe it's because I grew up doing theater but when I have read this verse in the past and I get the "present yourself" part I automatically do a spiritual "Shave and a Hair Cut, Two Bits!"  If you don't know what that is its OK. Here is another example. Your kids makes some sort of craft runs into the living room glue still dripping excited as all get out an says, "TA DA!"  

I looked up the word present in the original language and guess what it means? 

PRESENT: to stand beside, offer, to be at hand

     What?!  There is nothing showy about that!  To "stand beside" is all about proximity and relationship!  It is not surprising that this is what God desires.  He says this to us over and over in the Bible. In my fallen nature I keep trying to substitute what He wants from me with what I want to give Him.  I would rather give him my holiness and my version of acceptable all wrapped up in a presentable package.  My problem is, not only can I not make myself presentable I can't even find the wrapping paper! 

    This is a classic example of how I often get the gospel inside out.  Its by Christ blood that I am holy (set apart) and acceptable...a work that has already been done that I get to accept not work for.  So what it my part in all of this.  To be near and stay there. When I draw near to God and he draw near to me I am now "at hand."  His hand.  The living sacrifice thing is covered because we all know the times we have stood near (abide in Christ, John 15) we are tuned in.  Ready an willing to fallow the lead of God Spirit.  As we draw near (present ourselves) we are at His hand.  The safest most secure place there is.  No wonder Paul appeals or beseeches us to present or get beside or loving Father.  He knew it was the best!  So then being a living sacrifice doesn't seem like we are giving much up does it? 

I don't HAVE to be at War!

Galatians 6:1-2

 Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted. Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.

LAW OF CHRIST: John 13:34-35

A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.”

     The scripture above has brought great freedom and change in my heart and in our home.  We have a strong willed child.  I have pretty much felt at my end as a parent for quite some time in my relationship with this one.  I feel like I can never get through to them and yelling louder only exacerbates the problem.  I have read a few amazing books with some really great and helpful tricks.  Books can be timely avenues that God uses to get our attention in a certain area but NOTHING will hold a torch to the Word of God.  It alone is alive and active and interactive with our soul and spirit.  So as I was getting excited about yet another book and burnt out on all the tricks of the last book my husband almost gently said to me, why don't you just read the bible.  If you know my man you know truth is his strong suit and mercy is one that is still being tailored!  He softened with me and said, Jess you were so excited about the last book and now your talking about a new book but I haven't heard much of what God has shown you from His word and implementing that in parenting.  BUSTED!  I asked him to give me a few passages he thought I should study.  He did and I did.  I continued to pray that God would lead me in His word for guidance on how to better parent, and specifically my strong one. 

     Our washer has been broken for a week so we have been at my Mom and Dad in Love's often.  I am so blessed to have one of the greatest bible teachers and heart's to disciple that I have ever known, for a Father in Love!  He challenge my thinking in a few areas and gave me some scripture to chew on.  They were the verses above. 

     It never dawned on me to apply these scriptures to my parent child relationships!  When I did I began to see that I don't HAVE to be at war with my kids and their choices.  I am the one who would be considered "spiritual" in the situation. Hahah. But really that just means willing to be lead by the Spirit and I am!  Not perfectly of course but that is my hearts desire and daily practice.  My job is not to just put up with my kids and dish out consequences because I have to train them up right, but to gently restore.  To teach them that forgiveness is always free but trust is to be earned.  My heart towards them is not just survival but humility, genteelness and seeking restoration.  If I am not careful I get sucked right into selfishness, impatience and what ever flavor of sin that runs ramped through our home with 3 immature kids under the age of 7.  Being gentle, seeking to restore and bearing their burdens doesn't mean that when they mess up there isn't correction that is most often uncomfortable for them.  It just means that even though God has given me the job to implement discipline that doesn't mean that I HAVE to be frustrated. So I have to ask myself,  "Am I willing to wake up and say Lord this is your day what now?"  Am I shocked when my kids sin?  As if any amount of raising them to do the right thing is going to take away their sin nature and desperate need for Jesus. God has really changed my perspective with these verses on my entire job as a mom! I hope this was encouraging to at least one. Happy Parenting! 

Just got a new bible. ESV Journal Bible. LOVE IT! 

ARE YOU SUFFERING?

We naturally choose comfort over discomfort.  Would you agree?  Right now I am choosing the discomfort of whipping my body back into healthy.  I am working out 6 days a weeks, hydrating and eating better.  I don't want to.  Every single day when its time to work out I don't want to.  And every single day when I am done I am so excited that I did it.  Some days I only work out so I don't have to tell my work out buddy that I didn't.  Seriously! 
     This is a discipline that I am choosing and it it hard.  What about the disciple ( not necessarily because your in trouble) of suffering.  We suffer or go through crappy circumstances for so many reasons.  Some times it is because of our choices but a lot of the time we don't get to tag a reason on it.  I have several dearly loved people in my like with serious chronic health issue.   The kind that make suffering a normal in their lives. Some times we suffer because of the choices someone else makes and we are tightly knit to them through marriage, blood or friendship.  My family and I have suffered in past year as a result of things we couldn't control. 
     Just like working out and disciplining our bodies we know there is benefit to suffering. We know that God has so much to say about it.

 Like: James 1
2 Count it all joy, my brothers,[b] when you meet trials of various kinds, 3 for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. 4 And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

And : Romans 5
Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we[a] have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. 2 Through him we have also obtained access by faith[b] into this grace in which we stand, and we[c] rejoice[d] in hope of the glory of God. 3 Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, 4 and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, 5 and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

     We have read, reread and even memorized these scriptures but to we believe Him.  Do we believe that we could ever get to the other side of the thing we could never imagine happening to us and be able to say God has worked this for my good and His glory just like He promised. 
      I just felt strongly that there might be someone that is going through something that they couldn't imagine would happen in their life and there you are.  In the beginning or the middle and you just need a reminder of the truth.  YOU ARE NOT FORGOTTEN. GOD IS NOT LOOKING THE OTHER WAY. HE IS STILL GOOD AND HE CAN STILL BE TRUSTED. In fact if you are going to come out on the other end of your unimaginable you will NEED to trust Him with ALL your heart. You will need to forsake your own understanding and constantly check in with Him. He is the only one that can make a path straight in the midst of a storm. 
    You are love and God is still working on your behalf. Take heart today. Press into Him and even if you have no "feeling" to back it up..whisper out loud, "I TRUST You Lord." 

2015

    Happy New Year! 

       Paul and I have never been big new year's eve people.  We spent last night cuddled up watching the second half of a moving we started that night before.  He is on shift today so that meant an early get up time (for him I slept in till 7 and loved every second).  I'm sick.  The kids are a little off their rockers with friends staying with us and a major dose of free time with 2 weeks off of structure.
      I have never been a set goals kind of person or a new year of resolutions.  I have always been pretty self motivated so a list of what to accomplish in a year? For some would be motivating for me would be pushing me close to a danger zone of legalism.
       Things have changed a bit.  2013 God revealed to me that I needed to walk in Grace.  I had no idea what that meant.  2014 He showed me and helped me take small but life changing steps out of legalism and into grace motivated freedom.  I find myself with a strange amount of white noise in my brain were there used to be a guilty voice saying your not good enough try harder.  I don't have to try. Anything done in a motive to glorify myself no matter how good is a waste of time.  I finally get it that the good works I am privileged to do are only made possible by God's intentional work in my life.  Yes I cooperate with dieing to self and obedience but He does the heavy lifting.   So what to do with the empty space in my head?  For a few weeks I have just been marveling that it was even possible for God to heal me of my need to please anyone but Him.  And now its time to replace it with His vision and dream for me.  Not calling...but vision within the calling.
     My calling in life is no mystery to me.  I am a wife, mom and get to paint not he side.  I am also a friend, daughter, sister and that random girl in the grocery store that will always strike up a conversation! Before all of that I am His little girl. I am accepted, beautiful and still always teetering on believe that truth.
     I stared reading a book by Jennie Allen called Restless.  Get it.  Its only $2.99 right now.  I have even been reading it in my morning time with the Lord! Gasp!  I know not just bible but a book! Not something I prefer but I was so lost on what to study and where to start!  My sister in love Shell and I talked about doing the Restless study but budget for us both said no.  I have been so blessed and challenge by this book so far.  In the first few chapters God has used His word that is woven throughout the pages to get at my heart.  He has dreams and vision for my life with in my obvious calling.

Acts 2:16-17English Standard Version (ESV)  

16 But this is what was uttered through the prophet Joel, “‘And in the last days it shall be, God declares that I will pour out my Spirit on all flesh,and your sons and your daughters shall prophesy, and your young men shall see visions, and your old men shall dream dreams;

       That is the part that is lacking right now.  But if I want to hear it from Him I have to SURRENDER!  Oh that again.  Yes that...I think for our whole lives every single day!  I know I am called to be home full time.  With in that calling is the responsibility to keep the home well, meal plan, educate our 3 kids and have something of myself left over to love on my man when he is home! (this is just my calling not a list of what a woman "should" be doing).  I lost the love of it all somewhere.  Part of my lost love has been due to some very real hormonal imbalances that we are currently working with doctors on. (yay)  And the other half is being overwhelmed be cause I refuse to keep checking in with the Lord.  I can talk all day about Abiding in Him being the answer to all my struggles if I want but when the kids are melting down and I want to join them that is the time to check in.  Lord, how would you like me to handle this.  I promise in all the times I have actually checked in never once did the Spirit put it on my heart to flip out and scream just cause if feels good for a split second.  Never.
So Check in.  That is a goal for this year.

      God has also recently asked me (and by recent I mean this morning) if I am ready to die to myself in a specific area.  OK, Lord lets do it.  He is asking me to lay down my own opinion of myself. EeK! As ugly and hindering as my oppion of myself is, it is something else I love, comfortable and familiar.  God is asking me to lay down all my super over processed evaluations of myself and walk away.  Not only walk away but walk towards the dreams and vision He has for me. Also to rehearse His evaluation of me that is spelled out so clearly in His word. 

     I don't know what that vision is yet as all I was able to do so far is lay it down my old thoughts  and uncomfortably take the first step but I do know this one thing from experience.  When we are willing to die to ourselves or our evaluation of ourselves that doesn't lie up with God's thoughts towards us the result is life. I have tasted it and it is sweet. Freedom is more addicting that any other pleasure this world has to offer. We just have to take that scary step to die to ourselves first.

John 12:24-25English Standard Version (ESV)24 Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit. 25 Whoever loves his life loses it, and whoever hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life.

   
That's it for goals for my 2015:
Check in
Die to self
Write real letters once a month if not more
Choose Health (physically)

I am confident that these are goals in line with God's word and will for my life. I am excited to see how He works them all out and gifts me with vision, discipline, death/freedom, and guidance.

Me and my Sis Shell

Is WEAK ok?

                  2 Cor. 12 
7 And lest I should be exalted above measure by the abundance of the revelations, a thorn in the flesh was given to me, a messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I be exalted above measure. 8 Concerning this thing I pleaded with the Lord three times that it might depart from me. 9 And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

  It might be my fallen nature, or the "what do you have to show for yourself" culture, or simple pride.  I have always felt this tension to be better, do better and feel/ look like I have my act together.  Well whatever the root of it is and I suspect its a little of all of the above, to live with pride and self-righteousness as the force for motion in you life is exhausting!  Do you get a lot done?  Sure, but at what cost?  For me the cost has been that tasks became more important than the people and a sneaky air of judginess.  If you are constantly evaluating yourself against an unbiblical standard then you naturally evaluate others without even trying. 
   I was recently challenged with the question is it OK to be weak?   I heard the story of a woman facing trials that I couldn't imagine and the place of growth she had come to was being content with her weakness.  That went against every grain in my being.  How is weak better and growth.  Well, the Lord used the my painting once again to show me. 
    About a year ago I got to start something new.  Really, the Lord started it and I have hung on for dear life.  I paint scripture on canvas.  I am naturally creative so that is a good fit but I am not naturally a good speller.  So God has called me to do something I am terrible at on purpose.  I often ask Him, "why me?"  "Why in the world are You having me do this when I know a handful of people who are just as creative and can spell properly with out giving it a second thought."  The answer.  I want you to need Me.  
     My whole life growing up as the good little girl I never really grasped my NEED for Jesus in the everyday of it all.  There are two things in my life that I spend the most hours doing.  Parenting and Painting.  These are also the areas that I feel the most incredibly inadequate in.  I used to just feel stupid about this until God showed me not only is it OK to be weak but He prefers it.  When we are weak then we are more aware of His strength.  We are tuned into paying attention to His mighty work in our lives because we are desperate for it.  I have always been weak.  Its not like this is new but now I am enjoying it more. 
    I don't enjoy it everyday every moment as it can be quite frustrating to the plans I have. You know the those plans I make with out checking in with the Lord first.   It is still aggravating when I have to try several times to not miss spell on a single canvas or I'm so overwhelmed with the management end of running a home, and educating our kids I just stop and cry.  My kids recently called me the "Village Cryer" like an town announcer but they meant Mom you cry a lot.  lol.  More and more I am resting in my weakness.  God's grace is sufficient for our needs great and small but we forfeit it when we intentionally push Him away by functioning in our own strength.  Something I am learning to say right away when my heart gets crunchy is "I'm wrong." As soon as those words come out of my mouth I am flooded with grace and mercy to see how and why I'm wrong and am empowered to do something about it.  Life is far from perfect but that isn't the goal anymore. 

This is one of my more overwhelmed with life faces...I like to get them all. 

Parents vs. Kids! Sweet Memories 

painting lately. 

INSIDE OUT

     My kids do their laundry every day.  Everyday they need help.  Well the younger two do and really their only almost 5 and 3.  One of them gets frustrated every day when the clothes are inside out.  He melts down says he can't do it and even goes as far as saying I am a bad folder.  Yes you guest it I am talking about my Bear child.  God uses Bear in my life often to paint me pictures of myself.  He is at times a dramatic example of the whirlwind going on in my heart.
     The Lord recently showed me that I get the gospel inside out.  To be clear the gospel is that God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit had a plan.  Before creation they knew that Jesus would need to come, die and raise from the dead to win the right to forgive us of our sin.  He purchased the keys to sin and death and will use them to set us free if we believe it.  This is something I KNOW.  I grew up in the church, I went to bible school and have been a student of the scriptures my whole adult life.  Yet I have still got the most wonderful freeing truth there is on earth or in heaven inside out.

God's word says in 2 Cor. 9:8

And God is able to make ALL grace abound toward you, that you, ALways having ALL sufficiently in ALL things, may have and abundance for every good work. 
   
     When I get to a scripture like this that is packed with more that I am able to unravel in my simple mind I have to go to the original language.

ALL: Every whole
GRACE: the divine influence on a heart and its reflection in the life
SUFFICIENT: Contentedness, competence

     I  wrote on this same scripture last week and the word focus for me was SUFFICIENT.  But this week its GRACE.   Here is how I get the gospel inside out.  God is saying that He gives us everything we need in abundance and the natural flow of that would be to obey Him in the good works He has lined up for us.  What I have done is looked at that grace and said, "Wow that sure would be nice. I will do all these good works to get some of that."  That is like you giving your kid a Christmas present and they save up all the next year to pay you back for it!  YUCK!
     When I have things inside out or backwards then my motivating force isn't grace but fear of failure.  Believe me you can get a lot done and almost look like you have your poop in a group with fear of failure driving you on.  The down side is that it is exhausting and lacking in real fellowship and intimacy with God.  Christ died to set us free from sin.  There can be no fear of failure were grace has taken up residency.
     So I have spent the last 2 weeks freaking out about the fact that I am back at square one.  Which would not be a good example of walking in the rest of grace.  Sometimes I really like to share when I'm not on the other side yet.  I have done some pretty serious business with the Lord on this issue and am looking forward to all that He is going to teach me about it.  I am even more excited about what receiving and walking in grace will do for my kids.  I am praying that the lack of grace I have been unable to pass on to my kids will be redeemed and that God would use me as a main source of grace in my kids lives.
     I mentioned that I struggled with the grace concept for 2 weeks and then I realized some were in the last 2 weeks I stopped drinking coffee.  OK, Jess what does that have to do with anything.  Well, I'll tell you.  I have desired to stop drinking coffee for some time.  I have stopped and started over and over.  I'm not a coffee hater by I have some skin issue that coffee is the one thing I shouldn't be drinking.  I felt powerless to stop and strived to do it.  I have asked God to help me but never rested in His grace to do it.  In the midst of all this grace turmoil God gave me something tangible to show me that He will do it.  He will make all grace to abound toward me that I will always have all sufficiency in all things that I may have an abundance for every good work.  God will do this for me because He loves me. Just like I started flipping Bear's clothes right side out before I gave them to him. Because I love him.

Our Bear 

     Are you resting in grace. Do you know there isn't a thing you can do to pay God back and all He wants is your heart? I would encourage you do business right now if there is any to do. Love you reader. Thanks for taking the time to go on this journey with me.
                                                                                                   ~Jess

Word of the day: Competent

     Our kids are really into Lego's right now.  So much so that Paul and decide to do a Lego Christmas.  Everything Lego's. I was so excited about the idea until I was on a blanket with Abi "building" with her.  Paul is usually the one to sit on the floor with the kids and build.  He is great at it and each of our kids love it. I love Lego's in our lives too!  I love that it occupies the kids for hours and its not TV.  I love that they are colorful and require all kinds of skills the kids will use later in life.  I don't however personally love Lego's.  I like it when they get a new set and all the pieces are in little bags and you have the nice instruction manual.  The like the moment my younger two get a little board with so much structure and they move on to something and I get to keep building with the neat and tidy instruction manual all by my self.  I can be creative with paint but you give me building blocks and I am lost. The other day it took me 20 minutes to build a very average house for Abi.

I kept building a house that was structurally unsound and it would crumble in my hands.  Each time it crumbled as silly as it seams I would hear in my mind "your not enough for them." "Not only are you terrible at the thing they enjoy most, you have to MAKE yourself sit down and play with them, you don't enjoy it." I love spending time with my kids. There are some activities that we don't enjoy and do them anyways...we don't want them to grow up and remember Mom and Dad were fun as long as it was what they wanted to do. 

     Competent would not be a word I would ever in my life use to describe myself.  I have always struggled in the area of learning in general, have major processing challenges that affect everything I do, and there are not many things that feel come naturally to me. Aside from balloon animals of course.  
     This post is just about depressing enough. Here is the good part.  All this that I have shared while yes its venerable and how I have truly viewed myself...ITS NOT THE TRUTH. I am not incompetent and neither are you. 
      Lately Bear has been on this kick of telling how he "FEELS" in the midst of a disciple or consequence. It usually goes like this, "I feel like you don't love and you don't want me to have any fun ever for the rest of my life." At first this concerned me and I thought I had majorly screwed up as a parent.  Then I realized he does feel that way and his feelings are down right wrong.  I do love him with all my heart and I genuinely want him to have fun everyday of his life.  I love him and I love fun!  I have been gently telling him, I understand that you feel that way but it isn't the truth, I love you.  Bear your are letting your feeling be the boss of you and they aren't your boss Jesus is. 
     Sooooooooooo, the same goes for me.  So what if you feel terrible at Lego's and you don't enjoy playing with them.  You are enough for you kids because when it comes to GOOD WORKS,  these kids are the greatest work you are ever going to get to do this side of heaven! 
  What God wants to give me and you if we will receive it: 
 And God is able to make all GRACE abound toward you, that you, always having all sufficiency in all things, may have an abundance for every good work. 2 Cor. 9:8 
    I looked up that word sufficiency in the Greek, it totally means competent!  So regardless of how we feel about ourselves in the good work that God has given us to do the truth of the matter is that we are not just surviving our calling but have grace abounding toward us and are completely competent for the task at hand. SWEET! 
  The rest of the story on the blanket outside forcing myself to build a terribly unsound Lego house with my girl is this...She doesn't care most about the product of our time but the time it self.  That girl doesn't care much what we do together its the together that she longs for.  And just to put me in my place regardless of my feelings God has her casually say, "Oh Mom, I lob (love) that house you made me." 
    Thank you Jesus that Your grace makes us competent for the good work you have fashioned for us. I lob You!