A Year Ago Today

   

      A year ago if you asked me what my greatest pressing fear was I would have said, "being homeless."  Well it happened.  My man secured work over and over and for 4 months straight and everything fell through for crazy unexplainable reasons.  We were renting a home that we were thankful for but didn't like very much.  We made the most of it but as I was painting more we were really out growing it.  It came time to tell our Land Lord we just can't pay rent we need to move out. So Paul did but we didn't have any place to move in to.  I FELT like it was over.  Our life was ruined. We did our best to present it as an adventure to our 6, 4 and 2 year olds.

Praise God in conversation now they loved that time and have only wonderful memories of it other that eating to much McDonald's.  A year ago last week we pack everything we owned and put it in storage not knowing when or where we would get to unpack it.  We worked tirelessly to leave the that house clean and repaired.  We had help and great encouragement from friends and family.  I can not convey the emotional and physical done-ness we experienced.  Oh, did I mention our entire family had whooping cough?  We did.  The kids and I stayed in a friends basement and Paul and Duke our dog slept in Paul's truck.  I remember crying and telling my Father in Love, "God is letting our life fall apart!" He softly responded, "No, God is allowing your life to be rearranged."  Wise and true words that geared my thinking back to trusting God even though I could not see the purpose in all of it.

first time I saw our current house which we hope to buy one day! 

     A couple days into our unknown season Paul was driving down the street and saw a for rent sign a mile up the road from his parents.  He asked me to check it out.  I did but knew it was out of the price range of the factory job Paul had secured through and old neighbor as we told them why we were moving.  I had a very real conversation about where we were at with the man renting this beautiful home that I never thought would be an option for us.  To my surprise the he said, "I have 30 applicants for this house already and I want you to rent it."  He loves the Lord is long time friends with our last Land Lord and felt like the Spirit said this is your family!  What!?  The plan was that Paul would get a second job and we just wouldn't see him.  We got into the house and for 4 months that is what we did.  We had to trust God with Paul's calling to be fireman which seems totally confusing with the given circumstances and just pressed on.  We had to accept that this might be what God has for us and are we still going to be thankful for what we don't want because it is provision and God is still good and in love with us.  Those 4 months were so very hard and wonderful at the same time.  We grew like no other time in our marriage and parenting.  We also screwed up of course but I wouldn't trade what we went through for money.  God worked in us a dependence on Him alone.  And we KNOW that the testing of our faith does indeed produce STEADFASTNESS!
     So a year ago today is when we signed papers and got into the nicest most perfect home for our needs.  June of last year God gave Paul that full-time job as a fire fighter.  So much has happened this year and we in a state of profound thankfulness as we look back.  God has been so good to us even in what felt at the time to be abandonment.  He truly was just rearranging our life. Just wanted to share.

trying to make things fun

Friends and family helping load everything up for the storage unit

helping Dad make the house look great for the new renters 

This was the moment I was completely done and at my end. Last day cleaning the old house. 

Bear: Mom can we start eating healthy food again. I don't want any more Mcdonald's it makes my whole body fell yuck! 

His time is always BETTER!

        Our family started a whole new life yesterday!  Paul went off to work as a FULL TIME FIRE FIGHTER!  If you have followed along with our testimony at all you know this is huge for us!  It has been so strange that I haven't even known how to write about it.  Even as I type now I can't put into words what I want to!

Had to take Paul his sunglasses so we got to
see him on his first day at the Station! 

Union Fire Department

     As my heart settles into our new reality I keep thinking one thing, "God's timing is Better."  Paul said the other day that he is so thankful that God didn't give him any of the other fire jobs he applied for because it would have been easier to say, "I got it because of all my hard work." There is no confusion in our hearts that this happening was the Lord at work in our lives.

     Back in February when we were with out a home to live in Paul felt he needed to turn in his gear. He think it was appropriate for a him to run if he was homeless.  This was one of the hardest things we have gone through.  He gave up his dream and what he truly felt called to do because the immediate need was provide for the family and that would require working ALL the time.  That is what he did.  He found us a beautiful new home and work his butt off at a factory job with out know if he would ever get to pick up that gear again and do what he loves.  We were in our new home with his new job.  Sad about the loss of fire fighting but so very thankful for the provision of needs.  As God provided and things got steadier with our living situation Paul prayed about continuing to volunteer.  He felt he had the go ahead from the Lord.  He had hardly begun to get back in the swing of running and a friend told him that a station just up the road from our new house (Union) was hiring.  He applied, took the test, got an interview and got the job all with in 2 weeks.  It was just God's time.  The time He knew He would say yes almost 3 years ago when we first began this endeavor.
      We had so many disappointments along the way.  God walk through all of them with us.  He was the one that held our marriage together under such stress, He was the one who gave Paul the physical strength to press on, He was the one that gave me the emotional strength to keep going.  We did not do this last season in our live perfectly by any means.  There was plenty of asking God why and frustration and even anger with our Lord.  He was gracious and continued to draw us in just like a parent does with a child who doesn't understand a boundary or a training lesson.  In this last season I learned what it looks like (to some degree I know I will learn more) to Trust in the Lord with all my heart to forsake my own understanding.  I learned to obey and even enjoy obeying God's word when he says to honor and respect your husband.  God never told me this is what I want Paul to do.  He told Paul that early on but He told me, "Support him weather you know he is doing the right thing or not." EEK!
     So here we go.  We launch into a season of different.  Hopefully this is a start of a career that Paul will have for 25 years!  I would ask for prayer for our family.  Though this is all wonderful there are some major changes taking place and that will all ways require more grace.  Paul is going from working 6-7 days a week to 3!  He is now full time working a job were he runs in as everyone else runs out.  Our budget isn't changing much which is fine as it was never about the money.  But Paul will be able to work side jobs as he has such an open schedule.  Thank you to those of you who encouraged and prayed through this last season!  We are so shocked and blessed to be in this new one.
     We know that suffering and trials don't end here but I tell you what we also KNOW that God will walk with us through what ever He allows next for our refinement.

 

SLOW IT DOWN!

     Slowing down is something I have desired for a long time. There are times I choose to not be so busy and here are times that God chooses that I CAN NOT be busy.

New house! LOVE everything about it! 

     Getting into our new house was not under the most pleasant circumstances. Four months prior my husband's temp job ended there wasn't work to be found even though he did all that could be done to secure work. Even got a few great job's just to have them fall apart at the last minute. God was moving and even though we still don't know all the why we don't need to. We know Him more through it and that is never something to complain about. So February was our last month in our old house. We got all our stuff into storage, cleaned the old house and then we were homeless.

Old house all packed up, not knowing what was next

Seriously!  The kids and I stayed with a friend and Paul and our beloved but large puppy dog stayed in Paul's truck.  It was an intense season for us.  My greatest fear for the last 4 years happened.  Here is the great part...we made it through. We didn't handle it perfectly but we did love one another through it and by God's grace we continue to love the Lord.  When we did find a house to live in (which is a really cool story too.)  All our stuff was in storage.   God gave Paul a job so we moved our belongings in over the span of 3 weeks.  It was such a simple time.  Not having our stuff was a relief almost.  All I had to do with the kids was read the 60 library books we borrowed and enjoy the giant basement.

Reading books, no furniture for a week or so. 

We were also all recovering from Whooping cough!  I'm am telling you it was intense.
     Life in our new home is wonderful.  I love everything about it.  It is still very month to month as the job God gave Paul does not pay all the bills.  He continues to apply to fire departments.  God is supplementing our income with the Abide Scripts business He gave me in November.  I have to say honestly I still wouldn't trade how I have gotten to know the Lord for more money.  It is the thing He has used to get us desperate for Him and when we are desperate for Him we get to be filled to the brim with life, joy, peace and every other benefit He so lavishly provides.  I wouldn't mind steady finances of course but I am done arguing with Him about His chosen method to get my attention/worship on Him.
     So those few weeks were slow and glorious.  Then all our stuff was in I had tons of unpacking to do and I got busier again.
      Then it was Easter.  This Easter we got to host our family at our new house! Hanging out, sandwiches and s'mores over the bonfire!  Yes, please!  The plan was wonderful and then it happened the worst ear ache of my entire life. If you don't know that is saying allot as I could not possibly tell you how many ear infections I have had in my life time. Tubes as a child and now as an adult I would say I have one every 2 months if not more. This one took the cake.

icing my ear before everyone came over for Easter

I was in so much pain that I could hardly function. I did manage to enjoy my family and take a few great pictures.

I woke from the pain by 11pm.  I had to move out to the couch as there was no way I could be quiet enough for Paul to get any kind of sleep.  My ear drum ruptured from to much fluid from my sinus infection.  My inner and outer ear were infected.  I ear drained for a week straight.  I have been on antibiotics and the pain is gone!  Thank you Jesus!  I have for now lost almost all my hearing in my right ear.  You know the one I use to talk on the phone and the one that makes multi tasking possible.  I never knew how wonderful a design God had made in giving us two ears.  It is really much more efficient than one.  ANYWAYS!  It has really slowed me down.  I can't have the water running and hear something some one is saying right next to me.  I have to stop completely to look at my kids and hubby's mouth when they talk to me.  I have to trust the Lord to make sure I hear the things I need to, to keep my kids safe.            
      The doctor said I may never get my hearing back. At first I panicked a little and then told the Lord I would trust Him with it for 2-3 weeks. Lol! That's how long the doctor said it could take to get my hearing back. Of course that didn't fly and the Lord has been challenging to  to not only trust Him but give thanks in ALL circumstances. Even though it is extremely inconvenient to not hear very well it is forcing me to connect with the people in my life better.  It is actually a relief with my processing challenges.  I don't feel as over stimulated as I usually do.  How could loosing your hearing in one ear be good?  When your God is good and has ways that are higher than your own.  I would never choose this but I am so thankful for it.
      I got to be apart of a women's conference this weekend. I was so blessed. I had a table and was able to sell canvases and take orders. I also got to lead a break out session! I had planned on playing my guitar and singing (tough when you can't hear to stay on key) God worked mightily in spite of my weakness and bonus I had NO confusion about WHO should get the glory!

My table. I felt terrible all day but God didn't
mind He still did His thing! 

This in my excited nervous face right before I
got to share with 30 or so women God's love
and truth! 

     So after this very long post (thank you for reading) I want to challenge you.  Is there something in your life that God is frustrating or causing you to slow down about.  I so often paint "Be still and know that I am God."  Those canvases sell like hot cakes because we all struggle to be still.  But when we get still we know that He is God and there is nothing that changes your life like having that knowledge at the for front of your thinking and worship! So what is it that needs to slow down? Are you thankful for it?

AH FREAK OUT!

    Bear: 

"Mom, why do you make those canbases" (canvases)

     Great question kid! I told him that it was because when I am doing it I feel like I am doing something God created me to do. That may sound a little cheesy but let me explain.  Its not the painting per say its the worship.  The canvas and the paint and my letter styles and placement is the fun outlet but I was CREATED TO WORSHIP MY GOD!

     Yesterday I freak out!  I mean lost it.  Paul has been volunteering at our local Fire Station for 2 1/2 years.  His first day was the night Abi was born.  We have sacrificed as a family and he has worked so hard to get his EMT and all the training and time under his belt to even be in a position to apply for the hiring that is about to take place.  It could be the end (or some relief) to a very long stressful financially unsecured time for us.  So, of course "him getting the job" has been an idol that has fought hard to get on my heat!  I have beat it into submission over and over by God's grace but it keeps getting back up as idol's often do.  Paul got the phone call yesterday that he has an interview!  You would think I would be ecstatic.  No, I freaked out.  At first I was happy then I got angry.  Thoughts of I better not get my hopes up because God is just going to slam that door in our faces again.  YUCK!  Its true I was so rude in my heart with the Lord.  I knew this attitude wasn't OK but on the real its how I felt.  Granted I am hormonal and sick, not a good time to be processing life but process I tried.  I ended up lashing out at my family over stupid stuff.  At one point Paul came back in the room and said, "Is it safe to come out."  He was so gracious with me an even snuggled me while I cried and told him I don't know how to handle this.  He gave sound encouragement and we moved on with our day.  My man's words were good but I also wanted to hear from the LORD on how to handle the next few weeks. 

     This is Romans 12:12.  This is also the answer God gave me. The reason I want to share it is because its not just for me and my unique trial.  Its for everyone that loves Him.  Its for you reading this and it applies to what ever your current trial is.  I looked up all the Greek definitions to all the words and it could also read like this:

      I am to be, calmly happy in expectation and confidence in Jesus. Don't try to get out from under the pressure He is allowing but while under it be insistent, constant and diligent to worship in prayer. 

     Oh right, so I'm going to say that is a far cry from Rage Mommy.  I said to Paul yesterday, "I want to go to bed and wake up in a month when everything is decide."  That would be a major red flag for not meekly saying, "Yes, Lord I will stay in this trial and know You more in it." 

     So, I am only as far as the "freak out," and then the truth to calm me.  Now its time to walk in it.  If you would like to pray for me I would shout: YES PLEASE!  I so desperately want to love my God more and not be so rude in my lack of faith.  He is gracious and knew my freak out before I did.  I know He will show me more of Himself to get me though the next few weeks. 

Fallow up to ALL MY HEART

     Its been about a 2 weeks since I wrote ALL MY HEART.  No I didn't get it all figured out as much as the little perfectionist in me would love for that to be the report.  I don't think we ever get to get it all because then we wouldn't NEED Jesus for our every breath.  KNOWING WE NEED HIM is a much better way to live.  See, intimacy with Jesus is it.  Its the end all.  It is the purpose this side of heaven and for all eternity.  When I said I don't know how to trust the Lord with all my heart as we are commanded to in the word I knew the only way to remedy it was to know God Himself more.  Not more about Him, just Him.  I am pleased to report that He did it.  He walked me through crisis He was tenderly WITH ME when I stumble through bouts of anger and tears.  He was patient and provided the perfect encouragement.  Through people, through His word, through His word through people. Fellowship is so vital especially in times of wanting to shake our fist at God and then just dieing! OK, that's a little dramatic but I really do "feel" that way some days. ( Ps. pick your fellowship carefully when you are in crisis mode. Pick people who are going to give you truth only.)
     So all that to say, you guess it.  God is faithful and near.  He has provided for our bills and even rent will be covered by a week of work He has given my hubby.  We just found out that Paul is also still up for the EMT job in Louisville!
      One step at a time.  One moment at a time believing and taking God at his word.  I want to encourage you that believing God doesn't come naturally to us in our human nature.  There are things we can do to live more victoriously.  Remember that victory only comes after a BATTLE.  His word is the anchor we need to stay grounded when emotions are stupid and screaming lies to us in perfect harmony with the enemy of our souls.  Pray, talk to God about everything, David is such a great example of a man who was real with God.  We can be real with Him too.  This last 2 weeks I set my alarm a 1/2 hour early so I could let God have it and then rehearse His truth before I even got out of bed.  Its worth the work.  Whatever pressing into Him looks like for you, do it! Trial and suffering will not have an end while we have our breath before Jesus comes to get us. We can press into Him, know Him and live to the fullest even when the trials keep coming.

     Side note: Abi, swallowed a hair clip. I didn't freak out! I have been a freak out Mom in the past but as I am trusting the Lord with more of my heart this one kind of surprised me. She is ok, just waiting for the thing to pass.

FAMILY PIX!

 I love pictures. I can't close my eyes and picture anyones face. To be given this to look back on is priceless. I am so blessed!