Get Thankful.

     I notice around the Thanksgiving holiday a lot of thankfulness.  I think its rad that people post "30 days" of things there thankful for.  I read the book that's out right now about 1000 thanks.  Great book great reminder to stay in that mode of being thankful. I am currently documenting with my friend Heather on Instagram our thankfulness in pictures with the goal of getting to 1000!
     There are moments that I am not thankful.  I know the gospel, I know that circumstantially I am blessed with sooooo much more than the people I witnesses when I went to India ( at age 17).  Yet, I fail to remain in an attitude of gratitude.  I start to complain.  I grumble.  It never makes me "feel better" on the contrary its like digging a pit mentally and launching myself down it.  It's actually more effort to complain than to be thankful even though complaining is so natural in our flesh.
     I have been asking the Lord to show me how to "get thankful."  I love that His answer is so very simple.  He gave me this scripture and thought.

     For since the creation of the world His invisible attributes are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made, even His eternal power and Godhead, so that they are with out excuse, because although they knew God they did not glorify Him as God, nor were thankful, but became futile in their thoughts, and their foolish hearts were darkened. Romans 1:20-21. 

      To glorify in this scripture means to praise, extol, magnify, celebrate, honour, render excellent. (Thyer's Greek Definitions)  God reveals Himself to EVERYONE.  Every single person comes up against a choice to believe He is who He says He is or to reject the truth and move on with their lives.  If there is rejection there is no glory given to God by that individual.  If there is belief unto salvation then that person does glory God.  It seems to me in this scripture that thankfulness is a natural by product of the heart that is glorifying God.

     So to get thankful isn't really the concept to be focused on is it?  The goal is to glorify God.  To praise Him, to render Him excellent.  I love that one, render excellent.  When I think something is excellent it gets my attention.  God is jealous for our attention.  A perfect and beautiful jealously to hold our attention before any other thing in life.  When I give Him my attention, I glorify Him and I can't help but be thankful!  A thankful life is so much more fun than a complaining life....for me personally and everyone else I interact with.  You know what He does with our attention...shows us how much He loves us!

     My 3 year old, Bear walks around all day long telling me what he Wuv's. "Oh, Mommy I wuv your dress, Mommy I wuv my RaRa (his stuffed puppy), Mommy I wuv oranges." What a great example found in a child.

     I desire to live my daily life telling God what I "wuv" about Him and all He has done.

For: Hand me downs

For: Being a team with my husband with sick kids. Tired but unified

For: a husband that loves our kids

For: My little brother that constantly reminds us of the most
important things. Enjoying the race even if you come in
dead last. 

For: the fact that waiting is not being miserable till you get what
you want but a time for God to do or undo things in your heart. 

For: Friends

For: Post pig tail hair! 

MASON JAR

 
      At small group the other week God gave me a word picture for the last 3 years of our life and the change in season we are in now.  A mason jar.
     Three years ago we said good bye to the youth that Paul was shepherding at a church in California.  It was one of the hardest choices we have ever made and the season that fallowed was shocking.  We moved from Sacramento to Kentucky and things fell apart.  Our circumstances with work and income gradually declined.  There wasn't money for bills let alone the new baby that was on its way (Abigail).  Our perspective of God's goodness was challenged to the core.  We know that in our leaving the church we made a good and right choice.  We were extremely wounded in the process.
     We have learned that in walking with God, financial security doesn't equal anything.  It doesn't mean you are loved it doesn't mean God is good.  Financial security is simple a blessing if you have it.  Some have it in season's some have it their whole lives and some never do.  It is simple a circumstance that God will use to show us his love. Having it or not having it.  He will work all things for good for those who love Him and are called according the His purposes.
     God was so merciful to take away our ability to provide for ourselves.  Through the season of lack,  He convinced us of the truth that He is the provider.  We are not to be negligent under that truth.  You still get up each day and work hard but ultimately God gives and God takes away.  We found in our lack just how rich God has made us.  We learned in suffering that He is good.  I could go on and on about the details put our "mason jar" as we went through a season of healing and clarification.  Healing from the wound of the church we left but more impacting clarification of who God is.
     We call our old perspective of Jesus the "American Jesus."  You obey Him and you get the blessing you want.  In reality you are so thankful that your greatest problem of separation from God is solved in Christ blood you are thankful. Thankful, you live your life in obedience to a merciful, good and angry God. The only God.  He is pure because He doesn't not accept sin.  Angry because of unrighteousness but good and merciful be cause He Himself made a way out from under His wrath that it pure and right.  Jesus.  The Jesus of the Bible, is one of the 3 part God that we worship now with more clarity.  In His mercy God walked us through a season of suffering and trial to draw us into Himself.

Psalm 119:65-80
Vs.67 "Before I was afflicted I went astray"
Vs.71 "It is good for me that I have been afflicted"
Vs. 75 "I know, O LORD, that Your judgements are right and that in faithfulness You afflicted me"

     Before this season I would read this scripture and be confused as if this made God not good.  Now I read this scripture and my soul wants to bust out of my chest and scream AMEN!  I have tasted the sweet benefit of suffering.  Of wrong perspective of God getting burnt off in the fire of trial and the grace to come out of the fire with out the smell of smoke on me!
     God worked all this wonderful change in us in a season that felt like forever.  Three years is a long time but when He was done with this specific work it was done!  God poured into the mason jar suffering, His faithfulness, us resisting and then drawing near to Him and then He has screwed the lid on tight.  The lid is made of His goodness and our unwavering belief in that part of His character.  I heard God speaking to my heart at small group the other week.  Put it on the shelf.  Put that mason jar on the the shelf.  Don't ever forget about the work done these last 3 years but put it up and move on.
     During the 3 years Paul in I were in a time of healing and not really serving much in the body.  We are now praying that God would lead us in using or gifts to edify the body.  We are looking forward to His answer.
     God has unexpectedly released us from the debt that stacked up in the time of a lack of income and we are free to move on to serve Him in part or full time ministry.  Our desire to serve full time in ministry was not burnt up in the fire of trial. Very much the opposite it was refined and straightened.  Here we are Lord, send us!

In the the jar I put papers and cards and other things that remind me of the last 3 years. 

One and Done.

Therefor we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 

Heb. 12:1-2

     There is so much rich truth in this one very long sentence.  The part I would like to share on is the bit in yellow.  I have been newly impressed and a touch depressed with the idea that I am such a sinner!  I have been diligently lately to keep my precious extra time that I have to myself, in the World of God.  When all three of the babies are occupied through out the day I have been listening to sermons.  The pockets of time are not always long but with these smart phones I can listen to a sermon while its quiet and hit pause when its not.  All this to say the more I am in the word the more clear cut my sin is.  I am grateful to see my sin so clearly and have to constantly remind myself that when I see something new or something old again I am under no condemnation.  The goal is to see it, confess it, do what ever needs to be done to make it right and move on. 

     For the first 5 years of parenting I was shocked that my kids needs continually changed. I have to confess I was also put out by it.  I had no intention of continuing to grow my whole life. I wanted to simply get it right and bask in my perfection.  Absurd I know but when I got habitually frustrated with the change I found this was my secrete rotten heart's desire.  An idol if you will.  The same has been true for myself in my walk with God.  I want to get it right and be done with the whole mess.  I'd like to be perfect and not deal with this sin issue ever again in my whole life! 

     Since this is not the reality of the human experience my desire now is to bask is thankfulness that I even see my sin and have been given the power to not choose it.  Laying aside the weight and the sin is such a privilege.  Is it work, yes!  But, it is a work that is made lighter with the perspective that it is profound grace on God part that I get to run this race at all. 

     How does this affect my everyday?  Well, my every day is spent with 3 little sinners and a chocolate lab.  I have been given the duty to train these babies up (ages 5,3,1 1/2).  I find myself at times...well most days being disillusioned with the same problem.  I want to train my kid in a manner that Paul (my husband) calls "one and done!"  When I am focused on my own comfort and desire (idols) for peace and obedience I get frustrated that my kids aren't getting in line with the plan.  One and done!  I teach you once and we shouldn't have to teach it again.  What a double standard when my Lord has patiently walked through out my life with me teaching me to trust and obey time and time again. 

     Lord, help me cast of the weight of my idol and the sin of worshiping them instead of You.  Help we raise my babies in the same manner that you continue to raise me. Consistent, gentle and full of grace.  I pray that if there are other Mommy's that read this blog that struggle in this area that you would strengthen them to lay aside their idols and cast of the sin that entangles them.  To run after you and bring the babies with them!  We love you Jesus.  We need our existence to be abiding in you to produce the fruit we desire to honor you with in this life!  Amen. 

God of Hate.

     Can you even handle that title?  I couldn't until recently.  In church there has been a gradual shift from teaching about God's hate to mostly teaching His love.  The wrath of God is even offensive to us if we don't understand it.  I have been studying, well listening to a study of ROMANS. I was a little taken back by how much was taught on God's wrath but if you listen to it you will hear a very simple truth as I did.  The "Good News" isn't as good until you hear the bad news.
    The bad news is this in a nut shell: We have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God.  He is only righteous and can not in any way shape or form mix or have anything to do with unrighteousness.  This is what is so safe true and constant about Him.  A righteous, holy God must have a reaction to unrighteousness, sin.  His reaction is judgement.  I said it, God hates sin and judges it!  EEK!  Maybe it is so offensive because we are hopeless on our own to mix or be with God.  This is the reality of life apart from God.  Judgement death and Hell for eternity after death.  So not exciting.  When we really get it that God isn't going to just let everyone into heaven in the end and that there really is existence after death it makes the gravity of righteous judgement weigh more.
     Good News!  God and Jesus before the creation of the world knew mankind would not make it to eternity with Them on their own.  They planned for Jesus to come to earth, humble Himself to live like us, be tempted like us with out sin and die a brutal death.  There wasn't a currency in existence before Christ's death to buy us.  His blood is the currency the only one of its kids.  God continues to hate sin to this day but because Christ died the consequence of sin (death) has been taken care of for those who Abide in Christ. WHAT!
     I have been on a wonderful journey to better understanding of grace in the last few years.  I used to treat grace like left overs.  I would eat them but I just want something new.  Grace is not left overs.  It is a feast we don't deserve to even look upon and we not only get to look at it we get to smell it and taste it and be filled by it.

     I have always loved the truth in John 15.  This chapter of the bible is were the title for this blog came from. Abide!  Thus far in my salvation I have been abiding in Christ  but it feels like just recently I am getting to know who I am abiding in more fully.  I would be so uncomfortable with scriptures that talked about God's judgement.  I was trying to make God like man.  I was trying to understand who God is through my experience of who man is.  This should not be done.  We are made in His image not the other way around.  The God of scripture is a God of Hate and a God of Love.  If this is still offensive to you, I encourage you to ask Him to reconcile to two aspects of His character for you.  I trust that you will find that it is not an offence but the safest most wonderful truth.
     When we see God for who He is and not just the comfortable fluffy comfort and love part then grace becomes so much more valuable.  If it is valuable how could we not share it with the world.

IMAGINATIONS

 
      I have been undone in God's grace this morning.  I want to share because this in a game changer in any human life and very much so in mine.  If you have known me or have had a single conversation with me you may have thought to yourself at one time or another, "Man, she is intense."  I am.  I know that some of the intensity is God given and a good thing.  I have been told I am like a spiritual "Elf."  I get excited about Jesus like the Buddy the elf gets excited about Santa in the movie Elf.  There is another side to the coin or my intensity.  A battle being fought constantly in my thought life.  Thinking is something we do more than anything else during out time on earth!  No matter what we are doing physically we are thinking all the while.  Now I have heard of the ability to "zone out."  The brain not really having any particular thought going on.  I have not personally ever experienced this.  My entire life it have felt like my brain is on over drive.  Some of this has to do with the Perceptual Motor Issues I experience and some of it has to do with trust.  Its the TRUST issue I'd like to share about today.
     I have been in relationship with Christ since around age 7.  I have been a student of the Word of God since the year after high school graduation.  13 years.  I have studied the bible for 13 years now and in that time I have come across many verses that SEEM powerful but just haven't been to me yet. There are two very familiar verses that became powerful to me this morning for the first time.
 
Phil. 2:12-15 
   Therefor, my beloved, as you have always obeyed not as in my presence only, but now much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling; For it is God who works in you both to will and to do for His good pleasure. Do all things without complaining and disputing, that you may become blameless and harmless, children of God without fault in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world.....

2 Cor. 10:5
     Casting down imaginations and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God and  bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ. 

     Sunday night, the end of the weekend I was doing the dinner dishes and I got louder and louder.  As I handled the kids my tone became harsher and harsher.  Paul, asked me what was going on and after trying to dodge the question several times I finally got to the bottom line.  "I'm angry that it all starts again tomorrow."  We are in a season right now that has seemed to me to be long and there is not grantee of change or relief in sight.  Paul works 50 at his factory job and volunteers another 10-20 a week for the fire dept.  The goal is to have a fire job some day which would provide more time and money.  The thing I care about the most is time.  Just recently I felt like I had a break through in my heart and was settled into the circumstances.  In meekness I said and lived to the Lord, "OK, this is it. This is the season and I'm going to worship God with my life in this season weather its enjoyable or not."  And of course it became more enjoyable with that perspective.  As I slammed dishes around last night I realized I am no longer in that frame of thinking.  I was back to the destructive thinking of entitlement, being done, hating the circumstances, and not wanting to do it all over again tomorrow.  Paul encouraged me, I calmed down and got through the rest of the night.  I woke this morning still angry at God about our life.   He whispered to my heart "what did I tell you in church yesterday."   Yesterday, He had told me that contentment can be mine.  He reminded me that I can worship Him in the midst of anything and it will change my perspective on everything.  I knew that I wasn't impressed with Him right now and that I need to be to live life fruitful today.  I told Him, "Lord, I'm not impressed.  Can you take my hard angry heart and impress me with yourself this morning."  Well, He said yes, now finally getting to the point I will share how He impressed me this morning. 
     
      My whole life I have read Phil. 2:14 "Do all things without complaining or disputing," in reference to my relationship with other people.  In context there is not as much being mentioned about other people as there is our relationship to God!  This scripture is saying do your life with out complaining and disputing it with God.  Now of course you can be real with God and tell Him things that are in the deepest darkest places of your heart that you would be modified if another person knew.  He wants to hear it all.  I am speaking on a continual complaint or dispute over something in your life He has not seen fit to change at this time.  Sunday night I was in a place to complaint and dispute over or life circumstances.  God is not changing them right now so I have the choice to make.  Complain or worship.  Complaining in the Greek means a grumble or murmuring.  Disputing in Greek is a discussion that is internal and externally a debate, dispute, doubt, imagination, reasoning or thought.  My discontentment with God over our life snuck in to my thinking.  It was all internal for a while a murmur to myself about how I don't like my life and then it turned into an outward dispute as I slammed the dishes and yelled at our kids.  Discontentment never hits us like a Mac Truck, it always sneaks in the back door of processing life with out the filter of thankfulness. I thought it was interesting that disputing with God had in its definitions the word imagination.  I have always thought of the word imagination as something you use as a child to make a fun wonderful world in your head.  It is, but in this context it is as 2 Cor. 10 says a high thing that exalts it self against the knowledge of God.  When I don't like my life circumstances the first high (imagination) thought that comes to mind is that God doesn't have my best at heart.  He isn't good or to be trusted that He doesn't want me to be happy.  This of course if false.  We know that God works all things for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose (Rom.8:28).  Any thought that tries to exalt itself against that truth is an imagination or dispute against God.  We are told to bring every thought of that kind to the captivity of Christ! 
     As I feel my heart lean towards murmuring and complaining I have to snatch it and put it were it belongs.  It belongs in the captivity of Christ.  Christ not only died for our sin to allow us to be right with God but He is an active part of us living fruitful lives now.  He will take those thoughts if we would be discipline to give them to Him and hold them under guard where they can not destroy our thinking and render us fruitless and slamming dishes.  
     I have spent so much time in my walk with God trying to "figure things out."  All in the name of "its my personality to process deeply."  Really, I have wasted time and energy on fruitless thought.  I have replace trust with imaginations.  Imaginations in the Greek from 2 Cor. 10:5 means computation and computation means an act of processing or a method of computing, calculation.  I have try to figure things out instead of trust my Lord to handle the things that concern me.  His ways are higher than ours. There is a place for processing and evaluating life and then there is a time to let it go and trust that even if it doesn't all add up in the limited perspective we have this side of heaven, we can trust God who is calmly in control of EVERY aspect of our life. 

This is my favorite mug. It joins me in most of my big life lessons. 

Vinyl in the House

     We always know when we get a box from Mamo and Papa (My parents) because my Mom always wraps it up in vinyl from the Sing Shop. They have owned their own sign business my whole life. Totally great when you are the creative type. Or maybe that is why I have become the creative type. Anyways, Mom wraps the boxes in vinyl with the backing and all so I decided to put some of our packaging to use. I made a "back off" line in the kitchen. This has come in handy when I am working in the hot area. They all know to stay back but with a definite line I can easily say,"Please get behind the line." There is a clear reference. I don't plan on having vinyl on my kitchen floor forever but its working for this season. 

couldn't get this to rotate :(

      I love being able to tell my 3 and 5 year old, "Go take a bath." I most often say this after dinner when I am getting the kitchen cleaned. With this arrow system they can go run the water themselves. I usually check on them but they can get started all by themselves! Yay!

Boys just line up the arrows and turn the water off when the bath is full.

I don't know what you would use if you didn't have vinyl handy. Any ideas?

Home Education

     This is the first week I had a real lesson plan!  Paul and I had a discussion when we were engaged about the education of our one day children.  The conversation lasted about 3 seconds.  He said I'd like to home school our kids.  I said me too.  The end.
     Present day we have a 5 year old, 3 year old and 1 1/2 year old.  Our 5 Troy knows how to read and write. Mainly because I hit the academics hard with him at an early age and he is the kind of kid that does well with structure and a class room, sit down type setting.  I backed off with Troy for a while as God convicted my heart that I was trying to make sure my kids knew how to read above all else.  The English language is my greatest weakness and it affects every other subject.  There was a heart issue that needed to be dealt with.  I was trying to fix what I don't like about myself in my kid. That's like parenting 101 what to never do ever with your kids! I may have had a 4 year old how could read and I could brag about but the motive was super off.  I was encouraged by a wise and dear woman in my life to slow down.  Teach my kids how to do life and do it well.  For the last year or so I have had troy read books here and there but really spent the bulk of our days at home learning how to be a team and run the home together.  Teaching things like cooking, cleaning, setting the table, doing loads of laundry, putting away the laundry, playing with the dog, and so on. Just everyday life stuff.  Its amazing how much to can teach your babies in running the home.  Heart issues, problem solving, math, reading, writing and most of all appropriate interaction with others.  If you are going to do life tasks with 3 little ones you really have to slow down!  I had to search my heart for idols like "my way," "perfect," and "efficient." None of these things are bad in and of themselves but if worshiped will cause you to be frustrated in parenting and frustrated quickly!
     Our home by no means looks perfect....ever but it is maintained.  Our kids understand the concept that life is work and play is a reward.  We work and do lessons 5 days a week.  We have what we call "play day."  This is also Mom's bible study day.  No chores just play.  I of course continue to maintain the home but not to the level or intensity of a "regular" day.
     Now that things are running more smoothly at home I felt is was time to implement a little more structure into our lessons.  Currently we are going through the Alphabet.  One letter a week. This week (my first week of actual preparation and lesson planning) we are learning about the letter "E."  I asked the boys if there was anything they would like to learn about that stared with an "e" sound. They said EGGS!  So I went to the library (BY MYSELF!) and got 8 or so books on eggs.  I pinned a ton video's and craft ideas on Pintrest having to do with eggs.  I started into this week with a plan for each day.  Books, crafts, and games all having to to with eggs and incorporating reading, writing and math.  It took probably 2 hours on my "weekend" and now I wake up with a plan to teach each day already ready to go!  This is so exciting!  I understand that this is  probably very basic to the experienced Home Educator but I am in the beginning stages and just wanted to share as I go through the process God has for us.  I'm sure next week will look a little different.
     To encourage anyone who would like to educate at home but think they can't.  Let me tell you if I can do it any one can!  I also want to mention that I don't think school at home is "the way."  I think God calls different families to function in different ways.  School (lessons) at home is what we believe God has for us.
     If you have any tips on educating my babies I would love to hear them!

Had to get tires on Dad's Truck so we did 1/2 our lesson there. 

Crunched up egg shells from eggs that were given to us from a farm 

Beautiful! 

One on one time

building

Ps. I didn't spend a dime on the whole week of learning. There may be times that I will have to spend $ but since there isn't an education budget to speak of God is so faithful to give creativity to work around that.

When and What they Eat.

    We had family over a while ago.  I made everyone lunch.  All the kids plates looked similar to this. My sweet sister in love got excited over this idea of a bunch of finger foods for a meal.  I told her, "girl this is 5 years in the making."  You may already eat this way but I have noticed two things.  My kids love what I give them.  There are certain veggies that one may not like and another does but for the most part if it is a fruit or veggie they love them.  I am accountable for what I fuel their bodies with and I experience the difference in behavior when I make good food choices for them.  

     If I eat with them and the same thing as them I usually end up eating better.  I am more mindful to put good pure food into their little systems than I am mine.  I don't know why but since that is the case I have started eating when they eat and what they eat.  I feel so much healthier. T oddlers don't have a tendency to go too long with out eating.  As a Mom constantly juggling needs I do have a tendency to get to 3 pm. and realize the reason I feel like I could pass out is that I haven't eaten or I haven't eaten good food.  Eating more frequently has been proven to be better for your metabolism.  Who doesn't want to nurture their metabolism as we know that it is what helps us loose weight and feel good.   Just a tiny tip.  I hadn't thought of it until my sister got excited about it so I thought I would share. 

Birthday Garland

     For Our Troy's 5th birthday we made a new to us decoration. There was some left over wrapping paper that matched the theme of the party. We cut the characters out. Using the sewing machine Troy and Bear handed me one character at a time and I sewed them into a garland. Just sew straight through them. I ended up taping a few to the curtain since thin paper doesn't lay well but it was a hit!

Hike up hill for Perspective.

      I lived in Head Waters Virginia for 3 1/2 years. From age 19-22.  I was a part of a youth camp and went to a 2 year bible college.  One of my favorite parts of my job in the summer time was leading hikes to "The Tree." It was a good up hill hike that would take us to a most beloved tree sitting on top of a large hill/ mountain.  The view was breathtaking.  There is just something about looking down at a land scape. Your perspective is so different.  I have always wondered what goes through the minds of the few humans that have gotten to see our entire planet from space.  Was it a perspective changer?  Did they wonder what life was truly all about beyond their to do list.

These are the only pictures I could find of my time in
H.W. as our office is still in boxes. 

 
     Lately I have been experiencing God leading me in an up hill hike to get some fresh perspective.  As a Wife, and Mom of 3 under the age of 4 it can be so easy to not think beyond my 4 walls.  In a combination of personal devotion time, woman's bible study, Sunday church service and conversation with my man and some amazing ladies there has been this theme of pulling back and seeing the bigger picture.  By bigger picture I am referring to God's story of redemption all through time.  I mentioned in a previous post that God and Jesus decided before they even created us how they would redeem us from the rebellion they knew we would choose.  My life story starts there.  God says in Psalm 139 that he knows all our days before there is even one of them.  He knew our substance being yet unformed. What!  How is that for a mountain top view!  Breathtaking!  Now in my life God allows things I don't enjoy but not with out a promise to work it for His glory and my good. (Rom. 8:28-29) Through out my stroy I have clung to that promise many times.  Now after the recent "hike" (financial trials) God sits with me on top of this hill I see a new landscape in regards to His glory and my good.  What if my good is wrapped up in His glory.  I believe that it is.  The word GOOD is hinged on perspective as well.
     When I worked at the camp in Head Waters I had the privilege of teaching on "Girls Night."  One night I shared my story (about being molested) and later found a little girl (age 11 or so) in a ball of tears and sorrow.  She had been raped by her Mom's boy friend a year prior and never told a soul.  She found courage to share after hearing the good God brought in my life.  She was able to start a more rapid healing process with help from her church leaders after exposing the evil!  I can't explain it completely but in that moment as I held that little girl in my arms and on my lap, a calm came over me and I said to the Lord, " It was good that you allowed that to happen to me."   I would never have chosen to be molested but I would also never trade the experience and there in loose the opportunity to share my story to a little girl who have been through much worse and never told anyone.

     In our current trials God is pulling my perspective back to a place of settling into the trial. Not trying to escape it so desperately but just going with it in trust that God is working good and glory.

  What a might lover of our soul and care taker of our human experience.

Ugly But Functional

  I saw this on Pinterst.  A dresser re purposed into a some what of a shelf/ dresser.  In my mind my re purposed dresser is a fun pop color and there are beautiful matching baskets to go in the shelf section.   In reality this old dresser was given us.  I don't have the time or money right now to do anything to the finish or color but man, is my stuff organized!  It holds all things creative.  Something dear to my heart that has long awaited a place of its own.  In our new house we have an office but it just didn't fit in there so I have the dresser out in the garage.  I am much more likely to have times of creating with my kiddos and for myself if everything is in one place and organized.  The moral of this post is don't wait to make it perfect or even beautiful.  If it can be functional and maybe one day beautiful, GO FOR IT! 

My random Dollar Tree Baskets that don't match. 

Removed 2 of the drawers 

This is the top little drawer

 

JUST A SLIVER

    I often desire to share when something clicks for the first time or more deeply that before.  I am referring to truth concepts.  Sometimes I see and hear someone express what they are learning in scripture  and don't have a clue what they are talking about because I just haven't had my turn yet.  God is constantly imparting His grace and understanding on us about His love for us as we seek Him. Yesterday I think I got a sliver of His heart towards me that I previously just didn't quite grasp.  The concept is God's interaction brokenhearted (Ps. 147:3).

Psalm 51:17 "the sacrifices of God are a broken spirit, a broken and contrite heart- these, God you will not despise." 

     In the past I would read this thinking why in the world would God like brokenness?  It seemed kind of mean and twisted to me.  I got to this conclusion about God because I was not yet fully convince of His goodness and goodness towards me personally.  My understanding of God's goodness was first challenge at age 11 when in my perspective He didn't save me from being molested.  That was pretty much the catalyst for a life time of wrestling over weather or not I believe Him to be good or not.  As I have continued to seek after Him and He has allowed countless trials I have become convinced He is good.  It is a wonder that He would use lack (financially) in my life to show me how I LACK NOTHING in Him.  We experience evil daily and it is easy to go to the place of thinking God had something to do with it.  He does not.  His only interaction with evil is redeeming us from it.  What a GOOD God.  The subject of God's goodness is huge so I wont try to unpack it all now.  As I have studied the book of Ruth and Paul and I are reading a book on God's goodness I have been over whelmed with a clearer understanding of His goodness.
     As to the sliver of God's heart and Psalm 51:17 I have to share a little story:

BEAR

TROY

In the mornings I have worked to train and teach my boys to get out of bed only once the Christmas light timer turns their lights on (as I type I hear the door cracking to early, lol), to get dressed, if I am still showering to start unloading the dishwasher and feed our puppy.  Yesterday morning my boys were on it!  I was so blessed to come out of my room to boys dressed in clothes, good attitudes and initiative!  As Troy was on the chair next to the counter putting mugs away, Bear had what we call a black out moment.  These happen with our sweet Bear in anger or creativity.  He seems to loose all connection with reality or his desire to make good choices.  Bear had his light saber and decided that Troy's chair was the enemy to be defeated.  I'm sure you can imagine what happened next.  Troy had a mug in each hand and in order to grab the counter so he didn't fall he dropped a mug.  We have tile floors in our new house so the mug shattered on impact.  It wasn't just any mug.  It was Mommy's new mug.  I had gotten a special mug and a special sharpie marker to decorate it.  I wasn't in the kitchen because I had been sent out. They didn't want me to see the kitchen until the job was done.  I came rushing in to find to faces filled with modification and sorrow.  In tears they both broke out with "I'm so sorry Mom!"  No blame shifting not explanations just complete sorrow over the offence of my mug being broken.  Here is were I was shocked and my response.  I could care less about the MUG!  I was so blessed by their responses even though the offence affected my possession all I wanted to do was cry with them and scoop them up in my arms and say I forgive you!  I didn't just that minus the crying because they don't understand why Mommy cries when she isn't sad.  I explained to them how much more I love them than my special mug.  We talked out how we could avoid breaking mugs in the future and the "I'm sorry's" kept coming.  I held each of their faces and said, "I forgive you. It is over."  As I proceeded with mug clean up my heart flooded with correlations between my response and God's heat towards me!
     I am so thankful that Jesus came to preach GOOD tidings to the poor and to heal the brokenhearted. (Is. 61:1)

IMPRESSED!

     As Mom's and Wive's we have a responsibility to "Make the Home."  It goes so much farther that making the bed, making meals, doing endless chores, and keeping the kids alive!  We set the tone in the home.  Proverbs talk about how it is better to remain on the roof top than dwell in the home with a contentious wife.  In mine and Paul's experience this is a very true statement.  So how to be that Wife and Mom that draws the family in instead of repels them, causing a desire for roof top living?  I have found my behavior towards my family is either drawing in or pushing away in direct correlation to my being IMPRESSED with REDEMPTION.  The "Gospel."  I have heard people say, "Preach the gospel to yourself every day."  I had know idea what they were talking about.  "Jesus died for my sins so that I can go to heaven."  I'm thinking how is reciting that going to make a difference.  Like saying the pledge of allegiance anything can become so routine that it looses it meaning.  How often did you as a child growing up saying the pledge of allegiance think about every word and the weight it carried?
     So how do I get IMPRESSED with the Gospel of Redemption?  I have found for me just staying it to myself each day over and over doesn't impact me much.  But, as I continue to get up every morning before my babies and get into reading the bible in some way (bible study home work or just reading it and looking up words in the Greek and Hebrew), God through His Word preaches the Gospel to Me!  The whole focus of God's word is that we are separated from Him by sin.  We can not return to Him by anyway but the One He planned on giving us from the foundation of creation.  God knew before creating the entire world that we as a people would rebel.  He and Jesus had a plan to save us from separation with Them!

"For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, being justified as a gift by His grace through the redemption which is in Christ Jesus"  Romans 3:23-24
"In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of grace..." Eph. 1:7
"In Whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins." Col. 1:14
     At our church our Pastor says one thing more than anything else.  "God has taken care of our greatest problem!"  When I keep my eyes on that care God has taken with me all the other hard stuff of this life looses its color a bit.  We have trials in this life as a result of the fall of man kind and our own choices.  He walks with us through them.  What a lover.  Truly working even the terrible for my good and His glory.

Don't forget the COFFEE!

     Today I am so IMPRESSED.  I just had to share! I can't impress myself with the Gospel but I have found if I remain consistent in spending time with my Jesus in the mornings reading and better understanding His word, HE WILL IMPRESS ME!

Then impressed, I live better! 

HIS LITTLE ONES

     So this is by no means a new concept but man it hit me like a Mac Truck today.  I am a "co-steward" over our children.  Even typing out the that title makes me feel a little squirmy and out of the control I tend to love to dearly.  God is the creator of life.  God made our babies.  He hand picked them to be in our family.  He intends to use Paul and I know matter how broken and flawed we are to invest our very best understanding of Him into their little hearts.  I am sure He also plans to un-teach and redeem in the areas we have and will continue to screw up their thinking about who He is. 
    This morning my usually bouncy Abigail slept in.  I love it when she does that!  Finally around 8:30am. she began to stir but not sing or scream her usual.  I went in, turned the light on and fully expected her to pop up from snuggling her favorite crocheted blanket and either talk my ear off or make it clear that she was hungry.  Neither happened.  It was such a stark contrast to our everyday that its stopped me in my tracks.  It is a good thing I had just been studying 1 John 4:18 that speaks on fear and love and how there is torment in fear and that perfect love cast away fear.  I instantly thought what if she has cancer.  That may seem an extreme thought but I just read a blog (http://izzystory.com/) about an amazing Christian Mom and their journey with their little one having cancer.  So, back to my attention getting moment with Abi, she never did stand up. She didn't talk as I changed her or all through breakfast.  I was seriously concerned.  She ended up having a mellow day.  I was so strange.  Also, during lunch prep Bear fell off the stool (2 ft.) straight onto the back of his head, hitting the new tile floor.  I could feel the bump through the ice pack growing larger and larger as I comforted him.  I think they will both make it.  Resilient little things these kiddos! 

HIS HAYDEN BARUCH "BEAR" O'BRIEN

HIS CAITLYNN ABIGAIL O'BRIEN

HIS THEOPHILUS TROY O'BRIEN

     Our friend Heather came over to drop off what was the equivalent to Christmas morning at age 7!  That Christmas I got these kid work out tapes and leg warmers!  A CAMERA!!! That's what Heather brought, not leg warmers!  Abigail had just dunked our camera in the sink and Heather was so generous to give us one of hers!  As we were talking she touched on the subject of us not owning our kids and them belonging to God.  As she spoke this truth in our kitchen I realized I don't often acknowledge this truth. ( I mean of course their ours but first God's then ours.)  I am usually wrapped up in running their little lives.  Our desire is to glorify God in how we raise them but keeping this concept of ownership at the for front of my mind has already been relieving.  Its relieving because I sometimes get trapped in thinking that their behavior is a direct result of my success or failure as a parent.  This is actually not completely true.  There is a component forgotten in this train of thought.  God is at work.  I am called to to teach and train in truth and love but God is the changer of hearts.  When I remember that they are His first then I can rest easier.  I know my God, I know His great love and He is lavishing it on the little ones we get to guide for a season.  All we have to do is be faithful with this greatest of callings and the fruit, glory and out come can be trusted to the One who created them. 
      After today I have a deeper reverence and respect for the work that is God's to do in the hearts of the little ones I love most.  He is faithful, He calls us to parent faithfully. The fruit is to His glory and our enjoyment. 

PIG TAILS

     I just purchased colorful little hair ties for my baby for the first time in my 5 years of being a parent. Abigail's hair is in that terrible mullet stage that I swore I wouldn't let happen.  I am finding there is really no way around it unless your girlie was born with tons of hair which surprisingly ours was not. So pig tails it it!

Took a picture of the moment! 

    It matters to me that my kids look presentable.  Not one of life's most important or noble quest but it matters to us all the same.  Its something I want to put the effort into training and teaching even if style and fashion is ever changing.  I want to teach the basics of looking put together.  Abigail is in "hair training" right now.  I know that down the line when she does have more hair we will probably want to have it pulled back in some way when we leave the house.  I'd like to avoid bangs but I am done with saying "I never."  I have now started taking her to the bathroom and letting her sit on the sink and watch me do her hair.  This is where it hit me.  Today I was trying so hard to get her tiny sprout of hair into that tiny little hair band.  It is so new for me to do baby hair because she hasn't had any yet and you don't put hair ties on a buzzed boy head.   This particular time I had to start over 2 or 3 times.  Abi just sat there.  I caught the look on her face in the mirror.  Almost as to say, "oh Mom, could you just get it this time cause that kind of hurts."  She was so gracious in her behavior towards me.  No screaming, no grabbing at what I was trying to do for her.
     As I receive her grace and pressed on in my endeavor to get that stinken' pig tail right I was over whelled with God's call on me to bear with others.  I have experienced times in life when some one else is trying to do or say  something for my benefit but its just came out wrong or unclear.  There is a choice to make at that moment.  Am I going to believe the best in that person, remembering their usual heart towards me or am I going to get offended.
     The more impressed I get with the Gospel. By Gospel I mean Christ dieing in my place so that I don't have to experience the wrath of God that I deserve for my sin.  You know, if I surrender to Christ and accept His gracious gift I get my greatest problem in life fix, handled and removed!  Separation from God!   Oh, I am filled with gratitude as I type that out!  So, all that to say, the more impressed I am with the Gospel the less impressed I am with myself. Not an unhealthy unimpressed with myself but a humble right standing with God unimpressed with myself. As my focus has shifted away from how great I think I am am and towards God's goodness I am not as quick to be offended. Not being offend easily is still a work in progress for me but man, the times I'm not easily offended I have so much more fun in general.  I can be blessed by someones intention to love me even if it doesn't fit in to my box of how i would prefer to be loved.  This is a form of bearing with others! 
    Yay for life lessons with Pig Tails!

Me and my girl!

LOVE IS:

     I feel like I have been through a boot camp of sorts.  My idea of love has been broken down once again and build back up with the standard of God's word.  We learn so much about what love is in 1 Cor. 13.  We hear this scripture quoted in wedding most often. Which is especially wonderful because in my experience there is no one on earth I gotten to learn how to love God's way more than my wonderful man.
     So with out going into needless detail my man and I had some struggles this week and I was challenged by a wise woman about my understanding of love.  What is a normal attitude of love.  I was so blessed by these useful words and description of 1 Cor. 13.  I wanted to pass them on.  Ps. Paul and I worked through the struggles and have come out the other end more unified.

LOVE IS:

Love is passive. Waiting to begin. Looking forward to how God is going to take my obedience and do what He wants. This brings freedom from emotions.

Love is not in a hurry.

Love is Calm.

Love is ready to do its work when the summons comes.

Love suffers long, by obeying God in the same direction for a long time.

Love Bears all things not by white knuckling but goes with the discomfort and looks for how God will use it.

Love Believes all things about Jesus and God and doesn’t worship a formula. Believes God is holy and just and will use it for His glory.

Love hopes all things in Jesus. He has paid the price and that is where we hope.

Love understands and therefore waits. Understands God is holy and just and good. He loves me to discipline me to get me ready for continued kingdom work.

Love keeps its gaze on Jesus instead of what it wants. 

BODY IMAGE

     Oh the body issue.  I have to be honest I really didn't want to write on this one.  I have been saying, "maybe later Lord" for a few weeks.  So instead I will jump right in.

11 years old- Sixth Grade

     I have struggled over having a right perspective about my body since I was 11 years old.  I hadn't given a single thought to what my body looked like until the day I was molested.  I was told by the man that molested me for an entire day, "You need to be careful you are so beautiful people will want to hurt you."  I came away from the experience not understanding why Jesus didn't save me and had a deep seeded desire to never be beautiful. This happened a week before my sixth grade graduation.

Sixth Grade Graduation

     As I have chosen to live my life with God, He has graciously taken me through several times of healing over lies that were planted in the tender ground of my 11 year old heart.   He has pulled out weed after weed so that His word, His truth can grow in my heart and I can live a fruitful life today.  It wasn't until well into my adult years that God showed me the root of some of my wrong thinking about my body and beauty in general.  I believed in my teen years that beauty was value.  I didn't really get the whole gentle and quiet spirit being valuable to God and sooooooooooo much more important. More important than hoping my boobs would get bigger and that I would stay skinny forever.  I didn't stay skinny forever.  I was very thin until I got a license and found Starbucks!  I had now idea what good nutrition was and why I would eat in secret when I was upset.  I was upset much in my teen years.  On the outside I may have been apart of the "in crowd" and looked like I was happy. On the inside I felt worthless, unloved, not funny enough and never able to be myself.  I didn't actually know who "myself" was I just knew I wasn't comfortable in my own skin.  My senior year of high school I started to desire to really fallow Jesus for myself. 

Senior Year
Not just because my parents were Christians and I grew up in the church.  I started to see a difference in what I would hear Miles (my pastor at the time) teach on Sunday nights and how my friends and I would act every other day of the week.  I made a choice.  I didn't know what following God really looked like but I wanted to do it and I sat my two best friends down and said lets do this thing for real.  I lost one friend as a result and the other just got really busy the summer after graduation.  I was so lonely.  I began to eat over anything that brought discomfort.  I wanted to fallow God and began to but there was so much unrest in my heart and I would go to food to comfort myself.  I noticed I was gaining weight but so didn't know how to reverse it.  I would go to the gym and work out and then eat something horrible or curb my eating but not work out.  By the second year of my marriage (age 25) I had some good education under my belt on nutrition.   I would still struggle with sabotage myself.  I would work so hard at making good choices and then throw it all away.  One day while visiting my family in SD God spoke to my heart.  It hit me like a Mac Truck!  I was so fearful of every "being beautiful" that I wouldn't let myself succeed at being healthy.  If I eat healthy food and worked out the end result would always be a more attractive body.  I wanted a more attractive body to the point that it was an idol in my life but when I came down to it I also didn't want a more attractive body because I didn't want to be "beautiful because people would want to hurt me." 

     God has weeded that lie right out of my heart.  I know the truth now.  Now I am just a regular girl with the  self-control issues like any other!  Self-control is a fruit of the Spirit.  I have the Spirit in me and all the self-control I could desire I just don't use it all the time.  I think functioning in the lack of self-control to make sure I never became beautiful became a major habit that I still fight to break to this day. 
     I press on and battle on.  God continues to show me areas that need to change in my thinking that effect my eating habits.  I recently received more healing in this area at small group.  I was walking in pride thinking I "should" be strong enough to have deserts around the house and not eat all of them in one sitting.  Over and over I found I am not strong enough to have that stuff around.  I didn't want to be desperate for Jesus in this area.  I wanted to figure out the root of the problem, chop it off and move on.  Often healing and growth don't go just how we want it to.  I studied much on what Paul the Apostle said about the thorn in his flesh.  How he asked God to take it and God said no my grace is sufficient for you.  From my studies I am pretty certain that Paul had a chronic physical ailment that he was asking for healing on. Though struggles with eating isn't a sickness, how stinken' chronic is the need to eat! Its an all day every day thing!  So that scripture is totally applicable.  I found in it the truth, that it is beautiful to be desperate for Jesus about any  life issue.  Desperation for Him is NEVER a bad thing!  I wrote a study on it. You can click on this link to read it. DESPERATE 
     I still struggle daily with this life issue but I have some good accountability set up and I am noticing that I struggle less and less! I am eating healthier than I ever have. I work out 2-3 days a week and the results are the Lords. I feel beautiful and comfortable in my skin just as it is. I would love to loose more weight and be tone and stronger but my focus is not so zoned in on the results. I am making better choices because I love Jesus. I am desperate for Him and so thankful that He is helping me.
     There is so much more that can be said on this topic. I hear there are girls out there that have never struggled in this area! I have yet to meat one. So if you do have a struggle in this area, let me encourage you to ask the Lord what is the root of if and be desperate for Him. He will help us over come and live healthy. 

Me Today! Pressing On! 

     

GAZE

    So I aloud myself some time to process and sing and let God minister to me beyond my time before the kids got up.  Abi hung with me and the boys emptied the dishwasher of dirty dishes, put them all away (oops, initiative gone wrong) and watched a movie.
    We did not get the job and God gave me the song I shared in my last Post.  Often from paper to music words change but God gave me a new song! It has been years! This song isn't just about God saying no to this job. It is about how do we handle Him saying no to us at all. I have tried it both ways. I have done the angry and asking why! To no one in my homes benefit and I am doing it with meekness this time. By God's grace! I don't think that asking why is nessarily wrong...its a heart matter. How are we asking why and to what end. God gives me songs for me. To "broken record" truths into my heart when I need them most. I share them because I am confident that I am not the only one struggling with these life issues. I pray you are blessed, challenge, or healed with this. What ever God has in store for you.
I sing of turning my gaze from God's hand (what I want Him to give me) to His face (just Him). I am finding that life is not getting easier. I just NEED Him. I want circumstances to be better but I NEED Him.
Ah, no make up, no editing and baby in the back round...real life mom worshiping Jesus.

GAZE

What do I do with paralysis of soul
I was confident of yes but You said no
So now I grapple with Your will 
Am I to believe that You love me still

Yes or no turn my gaze 
From Your hand and to Your face

Maker of good and glory
Even when You put no in my story
How I long to ask the why 
But this time I choose silence for Your glory

Yes or no turn my gaze 
From Your hand to Your face

Disappointment cracks my heart 
You wrap me with Yourself
My world is torn apart
You bind me with Yourself