GUILT & GRACE

    
      Last week my Hub and I were having a conversation on parenting. I was freaking out because a few of our kids are exhibiting new behaviors and I felt powerless and confused on how to handle it. I lean towards over-anilization and getting to the core of the situation. That has its place but can be dangerous if it paralyzes us in the everyday of parenting, which it had. Paul reminded me that no matter what changes our kids go through and there will be many our job remains the same. We are to love God and show them what that looks like. God will give us wisdom for each changing season and we don't need to freak out. RIGHT! This is why I value my man's input so much. He takes me from crazy professor looking at the situation through a microscope, pulls me back and reminds me that there is a beautiful panoramic landscape to see. Our part is to love and obey God and the results are up to Him. So good. 
     Also in this conversation Paul made a comment that bugged me. Mostly because its a sad waist of my energy and reveal a lie that I cling to. "Jess, I can't wait for the day that you believe that you are a good Mom and not the scum of the earth that you think you are." Hmmm. What do you do with that? At first I blew it off, rolled the eyes of my heart and chose to abide in unbelief. Then it bugged me enough to say, "OK, OK God what is the truth about this matter. I do think I'm a bad Mom." GUILT. I have major guilt over the smaller years of raising our kids. There were several years of irrational anger at certain times of the month that obliterates my desire to parent in patience and love. Not that I was a victim but my REAL hormonal imbalance made it difficult to love no matter how many times a day I would cry out to God for help. So I have some guilt that I am holding on to. Not because its helpful or hopeful but because of my pride. Guilt really is an arrogant state of heart. Really, guilt says if i beat myself up enough maybe one day I can earn back the favor of God. LAME.  As a believer I have accepted grace. Not just to save me from hell but for the everyday redemption for not living perfect. The truth is I have peace with God I have been made right and the more I believe that the more it will affect my behavior. Hanging on to guilt never made a person more free to walk in obedience to the One who considers them precious enough to give His all for them. Never. So it is by faith I need to let go of the guilt and choose to cling to the undeserved privilege of GRACE. Stand there stay there and ABIDE. Not as license to sin more but as the power behind sinning less. And exhale. 

I am a good Mom.

A Year Ago Today

   

      A year ago if you asked me what my greatest pressing fear was I would have said, "being homeless."  Well it happened.  My man secured work over and over and for 4 months straight and everything fell through for crazy unexplainable reasons.  We were renting a home that we were thankful for but didn't like very much.  We made the most of it but as I was painting more we were really out growing it.  It came time to tell our Land Lord we just can't pay rent we need to move out. So Paul did but we didn't have any place to move in to.  I FELT like it was over.  Our life was ruined. We did our best to present it as an adventure to our 6, 4 and 2 year olds.

Praise God in conversation now they loved that time and have only wonderful memories of it other that eating to much McDonald's.  A year ago last week we pack everything we owned and put it in storage not knowing when or where we would get to unpack it.  We worked tirelessly to leave the that house clean and repaired.  We had help and great encouragement from friends and family.  I can not convey the emotional and physical done-ness we experienced.  Oh, did I mention our entire family had whooping cough?  We did.  The kids and I stayed in a friends basement and Paul and Duke our dog slept in Paul's truck.  I remember crying and telling my Father in Love, "God is letting our life fall apart!" He softly responded, "No, God is allowing your life to be rearranged."  Wise and true words that geared my thinking back to trusting God even though I could not see the purpose in all of it.

first time I saw our current house which we hope to buy one day! 

     A couple days into our unknown season Paul was driving down the street and saw a for rent sign a mile up the road from his parents.  He asked me to check it out.  I did but knew it was out of the price range of the factory job Paul had secured through and old neighbor as we told them why we were moving.  I had a very real conversation about where we were at with the man renting this beautiful home that I never thought would be an option for us.  To my surprise the he said, "I have 30 applicants for this house already and I want you to rent it."  He loves the Lord is long time friends with our last Land Lord and felt like the Spirit said this is your family!  What!?  The plan was that Paul would get a second job and we just wouldn't see him.  We got into the house and for 4 months that is what we did.  We had to trust God with Paul's calling to be fireman which seems totally confusing with the given circumstances and just pressed on.  We had to accept that this might be what God has for us and are we still going to be thankful for what we don't want because it is provision and God is still good and in love with us.  Those 4 months were so very hard and wonderful at the same time.  We grew like no other time in our marriage and parenting.  We also screwed up of course but I wouldn't trade what we went through for money.  God worked in us a dependence on Him alone.  And we KNOW that the testing of our faith does indeed produce STEADFASTNESS!
     So a year ago today is when we signed papers and got into the nicest most perfect home for our needs.  June of last year God gave Paul that full-time job as a fire fighter.  So much has happened this year and we in a state of profound thankfulness as we look back.  God has been so good to us even in what felt at the time to be abandonment.  He truly was just rearranging our life. Just wanted to share.

trying to make things fun

Friends and family helping load everything up for the storage unit

helping Dad make the house look great for the new renters 

This was the moment I was completely done and at my end. Last day cleaning the old house. 

Bear: Mom can we start eating healthy food again. I don't want any more Mcdonald's it makes my whole body fell yuck! 

Our Kids are PEOPLE!

     Duh! Right?  Our 3 are all under 2 years apart.  People often refer to that as stair stepped.  Not as close as some kids but still each time I was pregnant and having a new baby the old one was still a baby himself!  "Old one" hahah.  Anyways.  I have been a parent for 7 years, so long and so short at the same time. All my babies are now self sufficient little people.  They dress themselves, feed them selves, walk themselves, go to the bathroom all on their own and many more things that they used to need me for. 
     So recognizing that my babies are people has been a gradual becoming more natural as they act like little people and not just pooping, creaming adorable blobs!  God has challenged me lately with a very simple but profound scripture application shift.  That was a mouthful.  Basically He has challenged my perspective on my kids and the bible and how they interact.  I have read and applied God's word for years but as I see my babies as people, so much more of scripture applies beyond "train them up in the way they should go!"  I no longer hunt for "parenting verses" the whole thing applies!  That's exciting. The first time I really got this concept  was this the scripture Galatians 6:1-2.  This morning I was in Col. 1 and  thought I would pass on what I found and how it relates to being a Mom or Dad! 

Colossians 1:28-29 ESV

28 Him we proclaim, warning everyone and teaching everyone with all wisdom, that we may present everyone mature in Christ. 29 For this I toil, struggling with all His energy that He powerfully works within me.

     OK, "everyone" includes my 7, 5, and 3 year old!  Our job is obviously to teach our kids but not just life stuff "life and godliness."  Here's were is gets fun toil means to labor, to feel fatigue, and work hard.  Parenting 101!  Struggling means to complete for a prize, accomplish something. So often we get confused as parents.  We think that our toil and struggle should end in the prize we want.  Well behaved kids that make us look good.  Such a shallow goal doesn't always get to the place that God wants to work.  God is interested in our kids hearts.  So we do the work, we toil, we struggle, we get real with God about our own sin and we infuse scripture into our own lives so that we can teach what we have graciously been taught.  When we first and consistently go to God about our own issues then He teaches us how to proclaim, warn and even struggle and toil well. He has it all covered.  God is all about our proximity to Him.  We can read all the parenting books in the world but if we aren't getting raw, real and close to God and staying there we will not have what we need to teach these kids to be mature in Christ one day. 

     So, that's it for now.  I'm sure I will come across another familiar scripture that I never thought to apply to parenting and be to excited about it to not share!  Blessings on your walks with God and parenting!  We can do this people He works in us to be sufficient for the job he has called us to! 

God has completely change my relationship with this one!
I'm enjoying who he is even in his less mature state! 

STRONG WILLED

     I have share in previous POSTS that I recently have come to my complete end in parenting.  In my pride I thought if that ever happened, if I threw my hands up and said, "I just don't know what to do!" the world might stop spinning.  Well I did about three weeks ago.  I gave up.  BEST THING I EVER DID! 
      Going into parenting I thought I was going to do such a great job.  I was the "good one" growing up and everyone said, "you'll be a great mom."  I would try to "humbly" say thank you but inside part of me was like, "yeah I know," and the other part of me was terrified of failing.  Quite the perfect storm in side me.  Well we had our first.  There isn't much of what I would consider parenting that first year just a lot of keeping them alive!  Right? Well, once our first born made it to the terrible 2's and wasn't so terrible that was it!  The part of me that "knew" I would be a great mom got puffed up and decided I was amazing. Then #2 was born.  From the get go things were different.  He was black and blue on arrival because he came out so fast!  Seriously.  When you refer to a boy as a "bruiser" that our second.  Started crawling at 5-ish months and ever since hasn't been to concerned with making sure I feel like I'm a good mom.  For a long while I have felt sorry for my self. Just being real here. Who did God think he was to give me a strong willed kid and messing up what I thought of myself. PRIDE PRIDE PRIDE.  God is so gracious to give us what He knows will be to our benefit. 
     Our second kid is 5 years old. I have gone to God most days of that 5 years and begged for help or complained but just in the last three weeks I have said, "what do you think of my kid." What is your perspective on this strong willed thing. He has answered here and there but just this morning I got a glimpse of something truly helpful. 
     

Romans 12:1-2

 I appeal to you therefore, brothers,[a] by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. 2 Do not be conformed to this world,[c] but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

     GOD IS STRONG WILLED!  Seriously, track with me.  We are made in the image of God right.  The things about us that look like God if not surrounded are usually our greatest weakness as well.  Like, God is a God of order, I love to be orderly but if I don't keep that good characteristic surrendered to God it will turn into order-zilla!  There will be no room for mess, and all will be perfect all the time with no wiggle room.  My kid has a strong will.  So does his heavenly Father!  God has a good, perfect and pleasing will and we are so thankful for it even though we don't understand it all the time.  My kid has his Father's characteristic in this area.  That is a good thing.  What I GET to do as his parent is keep introducing him to Jesus so that he can one day surrender this part of how God has made him and God WILL use it for His glory.  Maybe this is really simple but its a perspective that helps me stay calm when in yet another battle over behavior.  The term "strong willed" just lost all its negative connotation that the world and even the church has put on it. 

    My prayer for my husband, myself and every other parted of a strong willed kids is that God would grant perspective in the little years.  That He would give His unconditional yet firm love for our kids to us and that we would parent more and more the way He does. 

PRESENT yourself = TA DA?

Romans 12:1

 I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship.

     I have read, memorized and taught this scripture for years!  So I would definitely classify it as familiar.  Familiar or not I love that God's word is alive and interactive with us because I have just been blown away by some sweet truth that I have never seen before in this verse.  Here we go! 

     Maybe it's because I grew up doing theater but when I have read this verse in the past and I get the "present yourself" part I automatically do a spiritual "Shave and a Hair Cut, Two Bits!"  If you don't know what that is its OK. Here is another example. Your kids makes some sort of craft runs into the living room glue still dripping excited as all get out an says, "TA DA!"  

I looked up the word present in the original language and guess what it means? 

PRESENT: to stand beside, offer, to be at hand

     What?!  There is nothing showy about that!  To "stand beside" is all about proximity and relationship!  It is not surprising that this is what God desires.  He says this to us over and over in the Bible. In my fallen nature I keep trying to substitute what He wants from me with what I want to give Him.  I would rather give him my holiness and my version of acceptable all wrapped up in a presentable package.  My problem is, not only can I not make myself presentable I can't even find the wrapping paper! 

    This is a classic example of how I often get the gospel inside out.  Its by Christ blood that I am holy (set apart) and acceptable...a work that has already been done that I get to accept not work for.  So what it my part in all of this.  To be near and stay there. When I draw near to God and he draw near to me I am now "at hand."  His hand.  The living sacrifice thing is covered because we all know the times we have stood near (abide in Christ, John 15) we are tuned in.  Ready an willing to fallow the lead of God Spirit.  As we draw near (present ourselves) we are at His hand.  The safest most secure place there is.  No wonder Paul appeals or beseeches us to present or get beside or loving Father.  He knew it was the best!  So then being a living sacrifice doesn't seem like we are giving much up does it? 

I don't HAVE to be at War!

Galatians 6:1-2

 Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted. Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.

LAW OF CHRIST: John 13:34-35

A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.”

     The scripture above has brought great freedom and change in my heart and in our home.  We have a strong willed child.  I have pretty much felt at my end as a parent for quite some time in my relationship with this one.  I feel like I can never get through to them and yelling louder only exacerbates the problem.  I have read a few amazing books with some really great and helpful tricks.  Books can be timely avenues that God uses to get our attention in a certain area but NOTHING will hold a torch to the Word of God.  It alone is alive and active and interactive with our soul and spirit.  So as I was getting excited about yet another book and burnt out on all the tricks of the last book my husband almost gently said to me, why don't you just read the bible.  If you know my man you know truth is his strong suit and mercy is one that is still being tailored!  He softened with me and said, Jess you were so excited about the last book and now your talking about a new book but I haven't heard much of what God has shown you from His word and implementing that in parenting.  BUSTED!  I asked him to give me a few passages he thought I should study.  He did and I did.  I continued to pray that God would lead me in His word for guidance on how to better parent, and specifically my strong one. 

     Our washer has been broken for a week so we have been at my Mom and Dad in Love's often.  I am so blessed to have one of the greatest bible teachers and heart's to disciple that I have ever known, for a Father in Love!  He challenge my thinking in a few areas and gave me some scripture to chew on.  They were the verses above. 

     It never dawned on me to apply these scriptures to my parent child relationships!  When I did I began to see that I don't HAVE to be at war with my kids and their choices.  I am the one who would be considered "spiritual" in the situation. Hahah. But really that just means willing to be lead by the Spirit and I am!  Not perfectly of course but that is my hearts desire and daily practice.  My job is not to just put up with my kids and dish out consequences because I have to train them up right, but to gently restore.  To teach them that forgiveness is always free but trust is to be earned.  My heart towards them is not just survival but humility, genteelness and seeking restoration.  If I am not careful I get sucked right into selfishness, impatience and what ever flavor of sin that runs ramped through our home with 3 immature kids under the age of 7.  Being gentle, seeking to restore and bearing their burdens doesn't mean that when they mess up there isn't correction that is most often uncomfortable for them.  It just means that even though God has given me the job to implement discipline that doesn't mean that I HAVE to be frustrated. So I have to ask myself,  "Am I willing to wake up and say Lord this is your day what now?"  Am I shocked when my kids sin?  As if any amount of raising them to do the right thing is going to take away their sin nature and desperate need for Jesus. God has really changed my perspective with these verses on my entire job as a mom! I hope this was encouraging to at least one. Happy Parenting! 

Just got a new bible. ESV Journal Bible. LOVE IT! 

ABIDE SCRIPTS- Going out of Business!

 

     Thank you for taking the time to read this.  If you have bought an Abide Scripts painting I want to start with saying thank you.  I never would have imagined that I would have the privilege of doing something like this and I have been so bless with getting hear your stories and pray over you and the people you love.

     Painting was a yes to a prayer I spoke to God while taking the dog out.  I wanted to earn a little extra for my family as we were entering into the hardest financial season of our lives so far.  That season ended with us being homeless and then blessed with the nicest home we have ever lived in and my husband finally getting a full time position as a fire fighter.  Our budget is still not stable but my man puts in every extra hour he can and God has sustain us in unexplainable ways, faithfully this last year.

     Every family looks a little different. God has made it clear for our family that I am to stay home full time so as to keep the home, educate the kids, work out, and have energy to love on my man when he is home.  Paul and I agreed that painting scripture was a welcome add on to my other rolls. In the beginning we carefully set priority boundaries.  All of my rolls with my family were to come first and then I would paint.  I have fought hard this last year to keep these priorities straight.  It has been a growing experience.  By Christmas this year I was a little burnt out.  I still loved to paint but something was off.

    At the very beginning of January I sat down with the Lord and took a good look at my calling. Wife, Mom, Homemaker, Educator, Painter and so on.  God was so good to give me renewed and refreshed vision in every area but Painting.  I still wrestled with it for the last several weeks wondering what was up.  We just completed our taxes for last year and I could not have imagined what would happen!

     When we looked at the actually money profit of Abide Scripts over the last year and broke it into how much the family had extra a month it wasn't very much.  I painted something like 300 or more canvases and as far as money goes there wasn't much to show for it.  Owning a small business for me meant paying 40-50% in taxes.  (Now, remember I am only taking on an earthly economy level.  The real and lasting weight of getting to paint can not be measure with this worlds currency.  Not because I am anything but because God promises that His word accomplishes what He has planned for it. ) So, bottom line.  Its not worth it.  EEK!  I know.  I wasn't bad at being a business woman.  I didn't loose money.  But I am not going to raise the prices to make more money.  I absolutely do not want to paint more that 300 canvases a year as painting is like fifth from the top of my priorities.  So what do I do?
   
     As Paul and I sat on the ground in front of our couch looking at Turbo Tax the tears began to steam hot and steady down my face.  I went threw a whole gamut of emotion very quickly and one very powerful conversation with the Holy Spirit.

Me: Lord, this isn't worth it! I don't want all the stress of invoices, deadlines and so on! But how do I keep painting?! I WANT TO KEEP PAINTING!
Holy Spirit: Are you willing to trust me with everything "money" for your family?
Me: ahhhhhhhhh, yes.
Holy Spirit: I have not made you to be a business woman.
Me: OH GOOD! Cause it was really stressful and I want to give that part of me back to my family.
Holy Spirit: Paint for free
Me: Seriously! OK! How?

     He kind of left me hanging on the HOW to do it part.  But I came away from my encounter with the Lord over Turbo Tax with a million pounds lifted from my heart!  I don't have a passion to run a business.  I just didn't know any other way to paint.  Abide Scripts as a business was a perfect way for God to get me going on this adventure honestly it was a desire for "extra" that made me even ask and get the yes answer.  I had to trust Him SO much with every aspect of this business and was so very blessed in the process.  The money I did make was great and timely for our family but God is changing things up.  He gets to do that when its His thing to begin with.
   
NOW WHAT? 
     Now I try and figure out how to paint for free.  I want to keep painting.  I want you, my former clients to keep placing orders for God's word to encourage yourselves or the people you love.  I do need you to pay for your supplies.  I don't know if that means I keep them on hand you just pay for the the canvas at cost or if you supply me with your own canvas.  We as a family don't have the extra to pay for supplies or we would (maybe one day!).  I don't want you to feel weird about placing an order because you feel bad that I'm not making any money!  I do want you to consider yourself an extension of God's work through  His Abide Scripts.  Pray before you place the order.  Together lets get God's word up on the wall in a way that matches existing decor.   Lets keep customizing encouragement and color together for God's glory.
     Now one of the things I am so excited about is NO dead lines! I will do my best to get the scripture painted and in your hands but I will also enjoy the freedom to put my family completely first. YAY!
     I know this may seem totally backwards.  I JUST HAVE TO OBEY! Thank you for reading. Please pray for me and my family as we under go this change. Pray for provision.  That I could keep painting God's word for free.

What does Paul think? Easy, when I asked if he was ok with the whole thing he said he was ready to go this direction with it last year! OK! 

                                                His little girl,  Jess O'Brien